


absorbing everything, the spectrum's A to Z

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alphabet series, Childbirth, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Royai - Freeform, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2018-04-26 11:51:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 32,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5003722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alphabet series about Royai. It spans over many years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A is for asparagus

**Author's Note:**

> Nope, FMA doesn't belong to me.

“What in the world is _that_?”

Riza looked up from the pot she was stirring to Roy’s extended finger. Her mind was a bit hazy, she felt a little sick but couldn’t help but find the situation funny.

“It’s asparagus.”

“I have never seen that in my life. What’s it for?”

She snorted a little. “It’s for eating.”

He sat back down on his chair at the kitchen table where there where three open textbooks. He shook his head. “I don’t think so. It looks like a bunch of aliens.”

“It’s just a vegetable, Roy.”

“I’ll skip it,” he muttered, picking up a pen and underlining something in the book.

“It’s going in the stew,” she said. “So if you skip the asparagus, you’re skipping dinner.”

“Rizaaa!” He whined.

She had to laugh at how much he sounded like the toddler she babysat on Friday evenings. “Are you seventeen or seven? I forget.” He grinned up at her. “Focus on your studies. Aren’t you being tested on pyrophorics tomorrow?”

“Don’t remind me,” he muttered, running his thumb along the pages of the thick textbook. He went back to reading and she turned back to the stove. She felt feverish and standing over the bubbling stew wasn’t helping matters much.

She chopped the asparagus and added it to the pot. She sighed and rubbed her abdomen. There was an ache. She wondered if maybe she was about to get her period but the ache was in the wrong place.

“Are you all right? You seem a little weird today.”

“How kind of you to say. Study.”

She could feel his eyes on her back but she didn’t turn around. She probably just needed some sleep. She ladled stew into a bowl and took it to her father in his study. He was nodding off, his hand propped on his fist. He managed a small smile when she walked in.

“Thank you, Riza.”

She nodded and went back to the kitchen. She gave a bowl to Roy who was still absorbed in the book he had in front of him. He nodded at her and ate absentmindedly, not looking away from the text. She was about to fix a bowl for herself but then decided she wasn’t hungry.

She grabbed her literature book and sat on the other side of Roy. She tried to concentrate. She managed to read a bit but after a while, the ache was getting more intense. She scrubbed her hands over her eyes.

“You tricked me!”

She looked up at Roy. “What?”

“You made me eat the aliens.”

“It’s not my fault you didn’t pay attention.” He got up to rinse his bowl and spoon. “How’d it taste?” She didn’t really care, honestly. She hated cooking even though she did it twice sometimes three times a day.

“The aliens were fine. Only because you’re such a good cook,” he smiled and tugged on a lock of her short hair. Her heart fluttered at the brush of his fingers on her cheek. His smile fell and he pressed the back of his hand firmly against her cheek and then on her forehead.

“I knew you were acting funny. You’re burning up.”

“I’m fine,” she said automatically.

“No, your fever is really high. Do you feel sick?”

She shook her head, the ache in her side starting to become sharp and unbearable. “Just…some pain.”

His eyebrows shot up. “Pain? Where?”

She pointed. She saw something that looked like fear flash across his face. “Come sit on the couch. I’m getting Master Hawkeye.”

“No, don’t bother him,” she said, letting Roy guide her to the sofa

“Riza, you need a doctor. I think it’s your appendix. I’ll be right back.” He disappeared up the stairs and she studied the hem of her dress. It started getting blurry. She felt herself slipping.

“Riza! Riza!” She heard. She felt someone cupping her cheek and shaking her gently. She tried to pull her head away from the hand. She opened her eyes and took in her dad’s worried, creased face.

“Daddy?” she asked in a weak voice that didn’t sound like hers.

“Where does it hurt, Riza?”

She pointed it out to him. “Yes, Roy. That’s the appendix. You were right to come get me. Could you call an ambulance?”

She looked up at the boy she was so enamored with. His dark eyes were clouded over and his hair was messy like he’d been running his fingers through it, pulling at it. He looked at her for a moment before rushing over to the phone.

She kept falling in and out of consciousness. She vaguely felt someone strapping her down and she thought she might have heard a siren.

When she opened her eyes next, she winced at the intensity of the light. She tried to sit up but gasped at the pain. She nestled back down on the hospital bed and looked around.

Roy was in a chair that was scooted all the way to her bed, his head was lying on his crossed arms which were resting on the bed. He was fast asleep.

She found herself wanting to run her fingers through his dark hair. After a few moments, she indulged. It was silky and warm on her hand, softer than she thought a boy’s hair would be.

He lifted his head but she kept her hand still. “Hey,” he said, his eyes immediately softening.

“Hi.”

“They took your appendix out. You’ve been asleep since yesterday.”

“Where’s my dad?” She took her hand back and smoothed over her own hair. To her dismay, she could feel it sticking out at odd angles. 

Roy frowned a little. “He said he had a break-through. But never fear, Roy Mustang is here. And I have brought,” he reached into his pocket. “Playing cards and contraband.”

The “contraband” was strawberry hard candies she was especially fond of.

“Thank you!” she smiled, unwrapping one. Her mouth didn’t taste all that great and she doubted she could stand and brush her teeth just yet. “When did you get here?”

“I came with the ambulance.”

“You…you what? You’ve been here all night?”

“Yeah,” he smiled easily. Riza thought that in her short almost fifteen years of life that she’d never seen someone so beautiful. That’s what he was. Not handsome, but beautiful. “I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Her stomach flipped. “That was nice. But I wouldn’t have asked that of you.”

His grin widened and she felt her heart swell. “That’s the thing about us. You don’t have to say it out loud.”

She felt a small smile on her lips. “I suppose.”


	2. B is for birthday

“Sir, did you really buy a one year old an alchemy textbook as a present?” Riza asked, the disapproval clear in her tone. She turned the car up onto the hill the Elric house was perched on.

“It’s his birthday,” he exclaimed. “I had to get him something! Also, no ‘sir’s or ‘General’s today.”

“Are you sure you didn’t just want to make Edward angry?”

“That’s an added bonus.”

She sighed and slowed the car to a stop. “Roy,” she said tiredly.

He smiled at her, as he always did when she used his first name. “Yes, Riza?”

She tried to keep her face stern but couldn’t help but smile. The truth was she felt very relaxed and happy that day. They both were off for the weekend, out of uniform, and visiting Resembool for Ed and Winry’s child’s first birthday.

Riza always liked Resembool. It reminded her of her hometown but without the pain it carried. It was a gentle place and she was glad that Ed’s child would get to grow up there.

They grabbed their gifts from the back seat of the car. They both got the boy books, though Riza’s were more age appropriate. They walked together to the porch. There were balloons tied to the handrails of the steps.

Roy snorted. “Fullmetal went all-out.”

“Be nice,” she ordered, ringing the doorbell.

Winry opened the door with Ben on her hip, her face young and flushed. Riza found herself immediately smiling. “Hi, guys! We’re so glad you could make it!”

She led them to the living room where there were little children milling about with their parents. Mr. Garfeil was sitting in the corner with Pinako who was smoking and watching everyone with a small smirk on her lips.

Winry put Ben down and he disappeared into the kitchen. They spoke to Winry but she couldn’t talk long without checking on the other guests and making sure there was enough food out for everyone.

Riza went into the kitchen to get something to drink and she felt Roy following at her heels. Ed was in the kitchen talking to Paninya. He was laughing loudly at something she'd said. He had a beer in one hand and the other wrapped around his son who was propped on his hip. The baby had his head on Ed’s shoulder with his chubby hand wrapped in his ponytail.

“Hey, Captain! Hello, bastard!” Ed’s cheeks were rosy and his grin was wide. It occurred to Riza that he was probably a little drunk.

“Fullmetal,” Roy answered, handing Riza a glass of water. He took a beer for himself.

“Look at my kid!” Ed cheered. “Isn’t he fantastic? Say hi, Ben.” He bounced him a little

“Hi,” Ben parroted quietly, tugging on Ed’s ponytail.

“Be gentle on Daddy,” Ed told him, trying to pull his hair away.

Ben’s face lit up with recognition at Roy and he reached his arms out, making a whining sound.

“You want the General?” Ed laughed. “Can’t imagine why.” He gave the boy to Roy anyway.

“Hey, big guy,” Roy said, poking the child on the nose, making him giggle. “You turn one today, huh?”

The rest of the day was a blur. There were lots of children screaming and eating cake. Ben was an extremely shy child and didn’t want to do much more than hang onto the adults he knew.

People started filing out and Ben had fallen asleep on the floor. Winry brought out a pot of tea for them to share.

Roy and Riza were together on the couch. Ed was sitting on the loveseat. Winry picked Ben off the floor and walked up the stairs to presumably put him in his own room.

“Oh,” Ed exclaimed. “I have a photo album!”

“That won’t be necessary, Fullmetal,” Roy said, taking a sip from his teacup

Ed was already up, grabbing the book. He sat on the other side of Riza and went through every single picture with a smile and a story. Riza thought it was cute but Roy had an odd expression on his face.

“You like being a dad,” Riza laughed.

“It’s pretty much the best thing ever. And…we’re not telling anyone yet but Winry’s pregnant again.” His face was tinged pink and relaxed. Riza’s heart felt like it was going to burst. He deserved this. He deserved a simple life with his family.

“Congratulations,” she told him honestly.

“Well, you two are just popping them out, aren’t you?” His tone was dry and irked Riza a little.

“You should have one, General Bastard. They’re great.”

“Well, really should get going,” Roy said sharply and suddenly, standing and straightening his shirt. “Ready, Captain?”

She was confused but stood nonetheless. “Sir.”

They told a puzzled Winry goodbye. Riza hugged Ed which made him blush crimson. They left. Roy was silent on the short walk to the car. He reached his hand out for the keys and she handed them over to him.

“What was that about?” She asked once she’d shut the door.

He turned the key in the ignition. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He wasn't meeting her eyes.

“Cut it out, Roy. What the hell was that?”

He didn’t speak for about ten minutes. He pulled over onto the side of the road and only then did Riza see how truly upset he was. He breathed deeply a couple times. His hands were fisting the fabric of the knees of his pants.

She reached a shaking hand across the seat and laid it across his knuckles. He sighed and seemingly deflated. He took her hand. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“Just tell me what's wrong.”

He didn't look up from their clasped hands. “It was like seeing a ghost,” he finally answered.

Realization washed over her and her chest ached for him. She didn’t know why it didn’t occur to her sooner.

“Just…the pictures and that stupid ass grin. It’s the same,” he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I know you miss him.”

The grip on her hand was almost painful but she didn’t move. She knew he needed to be grounded or she’d lose him to the storm raging in his mind. She was was more than willing to be that anchor for him…now that Hughes couldn’t.

There was no sound but the two of them breathing and the quiet rumble of the engine for a while.

“He even gave me the speech.”

“What speech?” Riza asked.

“With Hughes, it was always ‘get a wife’ and with Fullmetal it’s ‘have a kid.’”

“You know they both meant well. And I’m pretty positive Ed was joking. I’m sure he’d be horrified at the thought of you raising a child,” Riza said. She was mostly humoring Roy. She knew how much he and Ed loved and respected each other even if they’d never admit it out loud.

“But I…I want those things. And I can’t have them.”

“Of course you can,” Riza said.

“No,” he gave her a pointed look. “I can’t.”

She didn’t like having this conversation. They tended to skirt around it. They slept at each other’s places but they knew it could never progress beyond that. It was already illegal and, frankly, a little stupid.

“We could stop this. You could find someone and have a family,” she offered. She even meant it. If Roy decided that’s what would make him happy, keep him moving forward, she’d oblige.

“I could. But I don’t want that with someone else. I want that with you.”

“But we can’t,” she said gently.

“I know, dammit.” He let go of her hand, which hurt her feelings a little.

“I love you,” she said quietly.

She didn’t say out loud very often and he always liked when she did. He finally turned to face her, eyes softening with affection and maybe a little sadness.

“Riza,” he said. “I love you. You know that.”

She nodded. “I do,” she answered.

She welcomed the kiss he placed on her lips.


	3. C is for carnival

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Riza asked for the fifth time that night. They were in line at the local carnival and she could see the brightly lit Ferris wheel even from this far back.  

Roy adjusted his hold on Penelope’s ankles. She was sitting on his shoulders, her hands tangled in his hair. “This will be great,” he smiled. “A family outing.”

She shook her head. She didn’t like crowds, which was part of why she was so relieved to be back in East City the past few years. She wasn’t in the military anymore but she couldn’t stop her eyes from scanning for threats and the best exit routes. She figured no one would try to shoot Roy at a carnival for children but she was still anxious.

“Momma!” Penelope called from above Roy’s shoulders. “Look how tall I am.”

“I know. I see you,” she told her four year old, looking up at her. Her black hair was falling out of the careful ponytail Riza had put it in. Her nose and cheeks were rosy from the chill in the autumn air. She looked so happy that Riza tried to convince herself to relax.

“Hey,” Roy said, taking one hand from their daughter’s ankle to clasp her fingers. “You okay?” He gave her hand a squeeze.

She sighed but nodded.

“We can go if you’re too nervous.”

“I’m really fine. And Penelope’s been talking about this for three days straight.”

“It’ll be fun, Momma,” Penelope said, deciding to join the conversation after hearing her name. “Daddy said I can eat fried butter.”

She looked at Roy, flabbergasted. “Daddy said what?”

Roy laughed. “I said you couldn’t tell Momma, Nel!” He gave her a little bounce on his shoulders.

“But mommas need to know everything,” Penelope reasoned with him.

“That’s right, honey,” Riza told her. They moved a bit further up in line. They were close to the entrance.

Roy paid for some tickets and let Penelope down. She took Riza’s left hand and Roy’s right. They were heading for the petting zoo when a man Riza sort of recognized from right before she was discharged walked up to them.

“Lieutenant General,” the man greeted Roy. She immediately didn't like him for forgetting Roy's promotion. 

“General Nelson,” Roy answered, giving a small salute. The man waved it off. He was with a mousy woman and two children who were a few years older than Penelope.

“Having a good evening?” Roy asked politely.

“Oh, yes. Let me introduce you to my family. This is my wife Charlotte and our children Andrew and Chloe.”

“Pleased to meet you,” Roy said. “This is my daughter Penelope.” He put a hand on the top of her head. “And this is Riza.”

“I didn’t know you were married.”

“I’m not,” Roy admitted.

The General looked at her and back to Roy. Riza saw the exact moment it clicked for him that, yes, she was _the_ Riza Hawkeye. The woman who got knocked up by her superior officer and had to leave the military.

“I see,” he said, his discomfort clear in his tone. “Well, we really must get going. Nice to see you.”

The two men half-heartedly saluted each other and made their separate ways. Riza looked over her shoulder after a moment and saw the General’s head bent to his wife’s ear, no doubt speculating over a history he really knew nothing of.

“Riza, let it go. He’s an asshole and it doesn’t matter what he thinks of you.”

She shook her head and turned back to her family. “It’s what half the military thinks of me.”

“But they don’t matter.”

“Yeah, Momma,” Penelope said sweetly. “They’re assholes.”

Roy’s jaw dropped, his expression horrified. “Nel, that’s a bad word. We don’t say that,” he said.

“You just said it, Daddy,” she pointed out.

“Daddy shouldn’t have said it. You can’t say it either,” Riza told her, stopping and kneeling to readjust Penelope’s hair and shirt. “Are you hungry or do you want to see the animals first?”

“Animals! I want to see a goat!”

“Well, you know Daddy’s afraid of goats, right?” Riza teased. Penelope’s head swiveled to her father.

“Why, Daddy? I like goats.”

“You’ve never met a goat, buddy. They’re mean.”

“They are not,” Riza laughed, kissing Penelope’s cheek before standing back up.

They went and Penelope wanted to pet and feed every animal in the building. Riza shuddered to think of the germs creeping all over her child and she knew the scent of their clothes would send Hayate into a frenzy when they got home.

Riza couldn’t help but laugh when Roy gave a goat the stink-eye. But, as she predicted, Penelope loved them. She liked the way they would chew anything and spent several minutes offering them leaves.

They left and decided to get something to eat. Riza had to pee so she stopped Roy and said to go ahead and go get food and she would meet them at the tables. He nodded and turned back to the menu.

She washed her hands and then went back to the picnic tables. She saw Roy and no Penelope. “Where is she?” Riza asked.

“Who?”

“Your daughter, Roy,” she answered.

“Penelope was with you.”

Panic, hot and thick, rose in her throat. “No, she wasn’t.”

His features darkened with realization. “Shit.”

Riza had had plenty of conversations with Penelope about what to do if she got lost and what to say if a stranger tried to talk to her. But she never thought she’d have to worry about Penelope wandering off on her own. And Riza was choosing to believe that’s what happened.

She knew there were plenty of rebellion and terrorist groups who would be more than willing to take the Hero of Ishval’s only child, but that was too horrible to even consider. Riza herself had once been kidnapped and used against Roy by a terrorist group. She pushed those memories away forcefully.

She sent Roy in one direction and she took off in the other. She scanned the crowd in batches, searching for dark hair and a light yellow jacket.

Ten minutes passed and Riza’s breaths were bordering on hyperventilation. Maybe Roy had already found her. She rushed over to the building that housed the petting zoo and let her sharp eyes scan the room.

And there Penelope was standing, safe and smiling, in front of the goats trying to feed them her hair tie. Riza’s knees almost buckled right then and there.

“Penelope Rebecca Mustang,” she said, marching over to her. She had every intention of yelling at her but when those wide brown eyes turned to her, the relief was so strong it nearly knocked her off her feet.

“Penelope,” she sobbed, wrapping the girl up in her arms. “Don’t walk away from Momma and Daddy like that, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Penelope sounded scared. Riza figured it probably freaked her out to have her mother bawling and gripping her so tightly. But Riza was too overwhelmed to even attempt composure.

She felt a hand on her back. She loosened her arms a little and looked. Roy had relief written all over his face as well. “Daddy!” Penelope said. “Somethings wrong with Momma,” her lower lip was poking out.

“No, baby,” Riza said, wiping her cheeks. “Momma was just scared. I’m okay.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” her lip was quivering now.

“I know, buddy,” Roy said, smoothing her hair. “But we love you and it was very scary for you to walk away. We didn’t know where you were.”

“Don’t do that again, Nel,” Riza said, taking a deep breath.

“I won’t. I’ll be good.”

Roy and Riza both caught their breath, kissed their daughter, and led her back to the table. Both parents picked at their plates while Penelope inhaled an ungodly amount of food.

Riza would have been more than happy to go but knew that wasn’t fair to her daughter. They let her play a few games. Riza did a shooting game and won Penelope a stuffed dog that looked like Hayate.

“Ready to go?” Roy asked after a couple of hours, pulling Penelope onto his hip.

“No, Daddy we gotta do the wheel.” She pointed at the Ferris wheel. He looked to Riza.

“One time,” she said, feeling so tired. “Then we go home. It’s past her bedtime anyway.”

Penelope bounced excitedly between the two of them. She gripped on the hem of Riza’s skirt. Riza looked out at the houses below them until she felt a hand brush her cheek.

She looked over at Roy above their daughter’s head. He furrowed his brows in questioning.

She nodded and he gave her a small smile. She felt better. She couldn’t wait to get home but she was still so relieved to be sitting safe with her child and with the man she loved so much.

“Are you happy, Momma?” Penelope asked, looking up at her. She resembled Roy so much and she was so beautiful that it made Riza’s breath catch in her throat.

“Yes. I’m happy, honey. I’m very happy.”


	4. D is for daughter

“I’m here!” Roy shouted, bursting into the hospital room in full uniform. He looked over and saw Riza sitting up in the bed, chewing her lip almost to the point of breaking skin. She had both hands lightly clutched around the large hill of her belly.

“What took you so long?” She asked, her voice uncharacteristically soft. She looked dead tired and he could see that she was shivering intensely.  

He walked over and sat beside the hospital bed. “Your grandfather kept me after the meeting to give me an angry speech about having to discharge you. He’s happy about the baby but…he’s upset that your career is over.” He didn’t want to tell her that her grandfather revealed that she had been close to being promoted to Lieutenant-Colonel. He figured she didn’t need to know.

She nodded and opened her mouth to say something. She got cut off by a contraction. He offered his hand and she took it in her shaking one. He couldn’t help but notice the differences. Her hands were calloused and work-hardened. His were relatively soft, encased in gloves most of the time.

She exhaled and lay back down on the pillows. “I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“I know,” he said. “We won’t. Why are you shaking so badly?”

“The doctor said its normal this late in labor. I brought you some clothes. You’ll be too hot in that wool.” She pointed to a duffel bag and he changed quickly in the bathroom. When he got out, she was in the middle of another contraction.

“How far apart are they?” He asked, thinking of the information he’d crammed into his brain over the last few months.

“Two, three minutes or so,” she answered. She didn’t sound right. Riza always spoke sharply and clearly. Her quiet, strained voice let him in on how upset she was.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice shaking. It was pretty unconvincing. The tears filling in her eyes didn’t help her.

“Riza,” he sighed, running a hand through her hair. It was a little damp from sweat. “It’ll be okay. The pain will end once the baby gets here.”

“I’m not worried about the pain, Roy. I’m worried about the baby.”

Fear spiked in his chest. “What’s wrong with the baby? Are the doctors concerned? Did they say something to you?”

“No, no, the baby’s fine. I meant…just being a mother. That scares me shitless, Roy. I don’t…I don’t know how to do this.”

He studied her twisted up face and felt so guilty it ached. Her whole life was turned upside down. She’d lost her job and, therefore, her housing. She was now living with him. She had no family but the child in her belly. And him, he guessed. Maybe he counted after all these years.

The last few nights close to her due date, he would wake up to an empty bed and find her wandering aimlessly in the townhouse. She just always seemed so lost. All because he’d gotten her pregnant.

Riza moaned a little, pulling him out of his thoughts. “At least this way…I won’t be alone,” she managed once it was over.

“What can I do to help?” Roy asked.

“Nothing,” Riza groaned, letting her head fall back. “I just want to push.”

“When will you be able to?”

“I don’t know,” she rubbed her eyes and sighed.

“The team wants to come tomorrow to see the baby,” Roy told her, hoping a distraction might help. “I told them that would be fine.”

She nodded. “That’d be good. Havoc can’t smoke around her though.”

“How do you know it’s a her?”

She smiled for the first time since he’d walked in the room. “I have a feeling. And Rebecca said men like you always have daughters.”

“’Men like me.’ What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing,” she grinned. “But I really do think it’s a girl.”

“I actually do too.” Roy also didn’t particularly mind either way. He’d settle for healthy. He had a unshakeable feeling of fear and dread the entirety of Riza’s pregnancy. He thought at first that maybe it was the fact that it was illegal and they could both be court martialed. But then they came clean and while the outcome wasn’t pleasant, it could have been far worse.

The fear persisted. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that he was becoming a father. It was something Hughes and Fullmetal loved but Roy wasn’t so sure he’d do a good job of it. The baby would be relying on them for everything.  

       After a few hours, Riza’s contractions were damn near constant and her pain made Roy feel even guiltier. She didn’t want to be touched so he officially felt useless, which was his least favorite feeling. “I hate this,” he murmured.

“Yeah,” Riza said sharply, “Me too. Can you get the doctor? I _have_ to push.”

Roy stood but right at that moment, the doctor and a couple nurses walked in. He said hello to Roy as he was putting on gloves. He confirmed Riza was ready to start pushing.

With the next contraction, she bore down, crushing Roy’s hand. His heart was racing. She was hurting so much and it was happening so quickly and it was all so…real. The energy in the room was so intense he almost expected to see crackling blue alchemical light. He was so tangled up in his thoughts he almost didn’t hear the high pitched squall the baby made upon entering the world.

“It’s a girl,” the smiling doctor told them.

Riza sighed with relief and then laughed as the nurse placed the baby on her chest and covered her shock of black hair with a tiny hat. “Hi,” Riza told her, crying a little. “It’s nice to meet you. You’re so beautiful.”

Roy was frozen, eyes wide. A daughter. This tiny, screaming thing was his daughter.

Riza kissed the girl’s damp forehead and then beamed up at him. Her hair was sweaty and wild and her face was flushed and splotchy but she looked so beautiful that he choked up a little. “Roy,” she said. “Come see her. She looks just like you.”

He scooted the chair forward and leaned over to peer at the baby’s face. She’d stopped crying so her face wasn’t beet red anymore. Roy could clearly make out his own features in miniature on her delicate little face. He reached forward and held one of her hands with his fingers. It was warm and impossibly small.

“Holy shit. She’s…perfect.”

“We made her,” Riza said softly, stroking the baby’s cheek.

“We did a good job,” he said, still feeling dumbstruck.

The busy excitement died down after a while. The baby was dressed and Roy held her on the chair while Riza dozed on and off.

The baby was a squishy pink thing they’d decided to name Penelope. She looked mostly like Roy but her eyes were a deep brown. Her ears stuck out a little like Riza’s did.

Roy was completely in love with her.

He held his daughter, rubbing her back and thinking about how the first newborn he held was Elicia. He had been scared to touch her but Hughes convinced him to anyways. His best friend was the reason his hold on his own child was comfortable and steady.   

He wished so hard that Hughes could have met Penelope. He’d be beside himself with joy.

He felt sleep tugging at his eyelids and reluctantly put the snoozing baby back in the hospital bassinet. He fell asleep in the chair.

He woke up slowly and looked around the room. Riza was standing, scooping the baby out of the bassinet. “Should you be up?” He asked.

She shrugged and walked back to the bed, wincing with every step. “I’m fine.”

He didn’t know why he expected anything different. This was the woman who stood and wielded his fires for him the day her throat was sliced open. She was the most stubborn and wonderful person he’d ever met.

He left the room to find the both of them something to eat. When he came back, the room was full. Furey was sitting in the seat he’d left, holding Penelope who was looking up at him curiously.

“Hi, Boss,” everyone greeted him. He nodded and placed a tray of food in front of Riza.

“How long were you in labor for again, Hawk?” Havoc asked, a toothpick in place of the usual cigarette.

“Nineteen hours,” Roy answered, taking a bite of bread.

Breda burst out laughing. “I’m surprised you didn’t shoot the General.”

“Believe me, I wanted to,” Riza said, smiling a little.

They stayed for a couple of hours, passing around the baby and telling stories. They left quietly when Riza fell asleep, leaving Roy alone once again with his daughter.

He was nodding off himself with three tiny blonde blurs burst into the room. He sat up. “Hello,” he said, making all three children stop in their tracks.

“Hi Uncle Roy,” Sara said. She was four now and noticeably taller than five year old Ben. He made a mental note to tease Fullmetal about it.

“Where are your parents?” Riza asked, suddenly wide awake. Upon seeing her, two year old Nina ran excitedly over to her bedside.

“Aunt Riza! Aunt Riza!” She cheered. Riza pulled her up.

“Hey, sweetheart,” she told her.

Ed and a hugely pregnant Winry came into the room, slightly out of breath. “I told you not to run,” Edward said, pointing a finger at each kid. “I remember those specific words coming out of my mouth.”

“Hi, Riza. General Mustang,” Winry said, ignoring her unhappy husband. “I’m dying to see her.”

Riza nodded to the bassinet on the Nina-free side of her and Winry went over to hold her.

“Oh, wow. She’s beautiful! She looks just like the General.”

“Don’t say something so mean, Win,” Ed deadpanned, going over to see for himself. “Oh wow,” he said. “She has a ton of hair.”

      Watching them, Roy was overwhelmed with a sense of family. It was sweet and warm and he vowed that he would do everything in his power to keep it.

The Elric children started crowding their parents, fussing to see the baby.

He caught Riza’s eyes and she smiled at him. He knew instantly that she felt the same. She had a family, maybe for the first time since she was a baby herself.

His heart swelled with pride knowing that he helped give it to her.


	5. E is for earrings

“Just push the needle through really fast,” Riza said, calmly, handing the sewing needle to Roy. She saw his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. He rolled the needle between his fingers.

“That’s just so…gross,” he answered after a moment. “Why can’t you do it?”

“I did my left ear but I can’t bring myself to do it again,” she admitted.

"Why?"

She bit her lip. "I may or may not be scared of needles." He laughed a little and she huffed. “C’mon, Roy. Please? I can’t have just one ear pierced.”

“Ugh,” he groaned. He didn’t look happy but he positioned the needle over her right ear lobe anyway.

Her left ear was still throbbing around the small silver stud. Roy was actually the one who found the earrings she was using. Her father had sent him into the attic for an old journal of his and he stumbled on a box of Riza’s mother’s things. He brought her the earrings and a photo album.

Roy had a field day over the pictures of Riza as a baby and a toddler. He ‘aw’ed at every one while she blushed scarlet on the couch beside him. Her mother died when she was three so there were no pictures beyond that point. She tried not to let it sting that her father never bothered to pick up a camera. But then, maybe nothing she did was photo-worthy. 

“Ready?” he asked, taking a deep breath.

“Yep,” she answered, bracing herself.

“Okay, on three. One…two!” He suddenly jammed the needle into the soft flesh of her ear.

“Hey!” She said, after the initial pinch died down. “You said on three!”

“I lied,” he grinned. After a couple seconds, he withdrew the needle and replaced it with the silver piece of jewelry. His fingers worked the clasp expertly.

“You’re strangely good at that,” she noted.

“I used to watch my sisters get ready for shifts. I’ve been watching them put in earrings since I was small.”

She nodded and took a quick glance in the mirror, making sure the piercings were even. They definitely were and she felt satisfied.

“Let me look,” Roy said, taking her face gently in both of his hands.

Her heart raced at his touch. She studied him as he studied her. He was eighteen and he was starting to actually look like a man, something that surprised her. He had to shave regularly now and he seemed to have grown a good four inches over the time he spent in Central with his aunt for the holidays.

“They suit you,” he finally said. He met her eyes. His onyx ones were bright and happy. “I like them.”

“Thanks for doing that,” she said, finding it difficult to accept the compliment.

She was instantly filled with melancholy at the sight of him relaxed and content. Roy had told her a few weeks ago that he was planning on leaving for the military academy. He’d lived in her house for nearly four years now and he had become her best friend.

She didn’t want to be alone with her father in their big, cold house. She didn’t want to sit down for breakfast and not see Roy munching on toast across the table from her. She would miss the walks they took in the woods when the weather was nice. She would miss him, period.

Roy sensed the change in her and his eyes darkened a little. “I have four days before I go,” he said. “Don’t think about it until then.”

His uncanny way of reading her mind made a lump form in her throat. She swallowed past it and forced a smile.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” She asked. It was cold outside and there was a light frost on the ground. When the weather was that freezing, they usually spent time in the hayloft of the empty barn where it was warmer but that wasn’t where she wanted to go. She didn’t mind the cold and she wanted to at least have what would probably be her last walk in the woods with him. “Since my dad said you’ve mastered the basics, he’s not working you like a dog anymore.”

“Yeah, let’s go,” he said, perking up a little. He led her to the living room where their coats hung on the coat rack. She slipped hers over her arms as Roy did the same. She was reaching for the doorknob when he stopped her. He wound her green scarf around her neck, his hands brushing her skin, leaving the places he'd touched warm. “Now you’re ready.”

She closed the front door behind them, making sure the key was in her coat pocket. They were both quiet, too absorbed in their thoughts for words. She could see her breath in the chilly air. Once the house was completely obscured by the trees, Roy reached over for her hand.

That was a pretty new development. They’d started holding hands during these walks a few months back. She was thrilled by how easily her palm fit into his. Sometimes he walked with a hand on the small of her back and she liked that too.

Her free hand soon grew cold but the one intertwined with his fingers stayed warm.

“When are you going to tell him?” She finally asked. He’d been claiming he was going to tell her father about the academy for the past two weeks.

“I don’t know. I have a feeling he’s going to kick me out once I do, so maybe not until the day I’m actually leaving.”

She selfishly wanted to beg him to stay but knew she wouldn’t. There was so much hope in his voice when he talked of becoming a soldier and she couldn’t bring herself to dismiss that. He had such a giving heart and she knew he wanted to use it for the people.

“Stop thinking about it, okay?” He said softly, rubbing the back of her hand with his thumb.

“Stop reading my mind,” she replied.

“I can’t help it. You’re so easy to read.”

She looked up at him. She had never in her life been told that. Quite the opposite really. She was often told her face was blank, expressionless. Even her friends from school who she’d known most of her life regarded her as unreadable.

“I think you’re wrong about that.”

“You’re my open book, Riza.” She startled and then decided she liked being referred to as his. Maybe more than she should. His cheeks grew a little pink after he said it and he quickly changed the subject. “Where are we going, by the way? The tree?”

“Yeah,” she answered, hating the sadness in her tone. They fell silent again, the sound of their shoes crunching the frost on the ground suddenly seemed deafening. She sternly told herself she wouldn’t cry.

After a few minutes, her favorite spot in the world came into view. It was the stump of a massive oak tree, cut down years ago. She liked to sit there and read or watch the squirrels and birds for hours on end. The stump was so wide she could lie across it on her back comfortably so sometimes she napped when it was sunny.

She sat down and propped her feet on the tangled roots. The cold was making her ears sting and her nose a little runny and she couldn’t shake the sorrow in her belly. Even her tree wasn’t improving her mood.

“I’m sorry,” Roy said after a long silence. He was sitting beside her, leaning back on his hands. His face was pointing to the wispy clouds littering the sky.

“Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong.” She looked down and started tracing one of the rings of the tree.

“I just wish I didn’t have to leave you,” he said. He was so quiet. She wasn’t used to that. He usually spoke loudly, always using his hands. The longer he spoke, the faster his hands moved and the more his voice grew in volume. But right now he was barely audible.

“It’s all right,” she said. The lie tasted bitter in her mouth. “You’re just doing what you think is right.”

“I…um…I want to say something. I want to tell you at least once.” His voice shook a little.

“Don’t,” she said quickly. She knew with one hundred percent certainty that he was going to say that he loved her but she absolutely couldn’t handle that. It would break her. It would make him leaving that much harder. “I know. But please don’t say it.”

 He opened his mouth to argue with her but then closed it and nodded. “I know you know.”

She looked down at the backs of her hands, studying her fingernails and trying to think of something to say when he suddenly took her in his arms.

“Thank you for being my friend,” he told her, his voice barely above a whisper.

And then couldn’t hold it in anymore. She let loose a short, shaky breath before the tears pooled in her eyes. They slipped down, leaving her cheeks feeling frozen.

“It’s okay,” he said, tightening his arms. She laid her head on his chest and breathed in the smell of him. He always smelled like the detergent she used and like books. It was odd how comforting she found it. His aftershave left just the slightest scent of peppermint along his jawline.

“I don’t want you to worry about me,” she said finally. Her voice wasn’t as controlled as she wanted it to be.

“I will though,” he said. “It’s pointless to pretend otherwise. I’m worried about leaving you here with him.”

They didn’t say it out loud, but there was no question that her father’s sanity had started to slip. On more than one occasion he’d called her Melanie, her mother’s name.

“This isn’t the end, Riza. I’ll see you again. It just feels permanent right now.”

“Promise?”

Slowly, Roy took one of his arms from around her torso and used the hand to cup her face, turning it gently towards his.

She forgot how to breathe. She’d kissed him once before because her friend Sophie had dared her to. It was when she was fourteen and he was newly seventeen. She marched straight over to the chair he sat reading in and pressed a short, dry kiss to his lips.

This kiss was nothing like that. His lips were soft but there was a gentle pressure that she enjoyed very much. It made her chest feel free and open. He planted his hand more firmly on her face, his fingers splayed by her sore ear. The tip of his nose was cold but she was sure hers was too.

She kissed him back, her arms winding around his neck. His tongue brushed lightly along her bottom lip and her shiver had nothing to do with the frigid air. They found an easy rhythm and broke after a few moments for breath.

He kept his forehead against hers. Her face was hot now, she could feel the pink in her cheeks. She felt shy around him for the first time since back when they were still strangers.

He moved his hand from her cheek to tug lightly on her hair. “Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

“Kissing me back.”

She couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face.

“I owed you,” she said.

“For what?”

“The earrings, of course.”

He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose.

She smiled and pressed her mouth back against his.


	6. F is for fractures

Beyond the fear she felt, Riza also felt just plain idiotic. She’d been so confident in her shooting abilities that the thought of being captured never occurred to her as something that could actually happen to her. She was foolish to believe that a pistol could keep her free from any harm.    

She’d noticed the shadow following her on her way home from Rebecca’s. It was a short walk so she didn’t bother calling a cab. When she noticed the man following her, she quickened her pace a little. She took a couple of unnecessary turns, hoping to lose him.

She realized too late that she wasn’t being chased…she was being herded. One of three men grabbed her waist and another’s strong hands closed around her wrist, twisting it back violently. As she opened her mouth to call out, the third man, the one who’d been following her, held a cloth reeking of some sort of chemical firm over her nose and lips. She tried not to breathe it in but could feel herself fading out.

When she came to, she saw that she was in a warehouse of some sort. There were wooden boxes and crates strung about and upon closer inspection, they were old. The wood was saggy and a fine layer of dust coated everything in the room.

Her hands were bound but at least they were in front of her instead of behind her back. She sat up the best she could on the cold concrete, struggling as her hands caused her balance to be slightly off.

She was grateful that she’d decided to wear jeans and a turtleneck sweater to Rebecca’s house instead of her usual pencil skirt. Her sharp eyes darted around the room, looking for people or clues to where exactly she was.

As if her thoughts conjured them, two men suddenly opened a door and walked slowly over to her. It pissed her off that her heart started to race with fear. The door swung shut behind them but she could briefly see bright light and blue sky before it closed. It was at least midmorning now, meaning she’d been out all night.

She had no idea how far they’d taken her before dumping her here. She could be hours away from East City and not know it.

The larger man smiled as he closed in on her. “Well, well. If it isn’t the Hawk’s Eye.” His voice was rough as gravel. He was tall and beefy with a long beard. Riza couldn’t get a good guess on his age. Her best estimation was mid-forties.

The other man was short and wiry, but clearly muscular. His eyes were wild and looked like they were about to pop out of his skull. His eyes were darting all over the place and they had a wicked gleam in them. She was instantly terrified of him.

“What do you want?” She asked, her voice scraping her throat. Her throat and nostrils still felt raw and sore from the chloroform soaked cloth.

“I’m surprised you haven’t guessed. We want the Devil of Ishval.”

Her heart dropped. _Roy_. They wanted Roy.

She’d been used as his weak spot before. Bradley knew exactly what he was doing when he picked her to be a hostage. They’d been able to overcome it, but she knew how much it unraveled Roy. He’d had nightmares for months after the Promised Day came. When he was still blind, he would thrash and struggle against her, trapped in a dark world and terrified. He told her every time he fell asleep he could see the look of pure shock on her face when her throat was slit.

What would he do now? Her prospects were looking pretty grim. “How could you possibly get him? He doesn’t know where I am. How is he supposed to figure that out?”

She watched as he exposed rotten teeth through his beard in a chilling grin. He let loose a loud whistle, making her wince.

It was apparently a signal of some sort. Another man came in with a phone, laying cable across the dirty floor of the warehouse.

“Well, honey,” the bearded man said, brushing some hair out of her eyes with dirty fingers. She turned her face away. “We’re gonna call ‘im. You’ll tell ‘im what we want you to say. He won’t be able to resist coming to save you once he hears you.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. There were several holes in their plan, but they obviously weren’t the brightest. But she had to admit she had no doubt that Roy would attempt to save her. “What am I telling him? What do you want from him?”

“Easy. His life for yours. He has to come alone. Rest assured, we’ll have a gun to your head until we’re absolutely sure.”

“No.” She said simply. No way in hell was she letting that happen.

He sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that. Allister?” He turned to the wiry man. “Perhaps the Hawk’s Eye needs some convincing.”

The man, Allister apparently, nodded earnestly. He went behind a pile of wooden boxes and returned with an object that, while she had only seen once before, she could identify easily.

A cattle prod.

Her heart race increased. Allister set the device carefully on the floor and crouched in front of Riza. He pulled out a knife and made quick work of cutting off her shirt, leaving her in her black bra. She felt exposed and then disgusted as he carefully fondled her breasts before reaching behind him to grab hold of the cattle prod.

“Listen, Captain,” the rough-voiced man said. “You can call him now and tell him our terms and conditions. Or you can suffer. You decide.” She said nothing. She bit the inside of her cheek and braced herself. “All right then.”

Riza shivered as he traced the intricate curves of her tattoo for a few moments with a bony finger. She felt the device being placed against the small of her back.

Then her brain was scrambled.

Every muscle in her back and thighs clenched painfully and she couldn’t take a breath. She was barely able to keep herself from crying out. The device was removed and her muscles relaxed, making her flop to the concrete. It scraped her chin.

Her breaths were loud and strangled.

“How about now, darling?” The large man asked in a dreamy tone. He grabbed her firmly by the hair and lifted her head to meet his eyes.

She spat at him.

He punched her directly in the mouth and her own teeth cut into her lips. She felt blood immediately wash over her tongue.

Allister used the cattle prod several more times and she eventually gave a small scream, much to the man’s obvious delight.

“Maybe it’s time for something else. She’s stronger than I thought…Tell me, Captain. Have you ever been stabbed? It’s not a fun experience. But I’ll let you make up your own mind on how you feel about it.”

She could hear Allister behind her but she felt like her body was too loose and still buzzing from the shocks. She felt his cold hands grab her by the waist in an iron grasp. Slowly, he slid a long, thin blade into the fleshy part of her hip. She gasped, wishing she could faint.

She was pinned to the ground as he yanked her jeans off and sliced another knife into the skin where her thigh met her torso. He then jammed three more into her thighs. She screamed as the muscles around the blades fought to reject the foreign objects. Her eyes watered. “Stop! Please!”

“You can make it stop. Just talk to your man and tell him to come here and come alone.”

Her chest was heaving and her mind was sending screeching alarms through her body. “No,” she gasped out.

It went on for a while. After the knives were taken out, she was carried to a table of some sort. They pulled her limbs away from her torso. By the time her right shoulder popped out, she was barely conscious.

“We might as well kill her,” she heard that sandpaper voice croak out. He sounded disappointed “Dump her body on his doorstep. She’s not going to break.”

She felt a flicker of pride through the pain. She might die, but she would die protecting him.

She grew nauseous when she realized they didn’t plan on shooting her to end it…they were going to crush her to death.

Her vision was too faded and tunneled to see what they used. She couldn’t help but let loose a breathless, strangled scream as she felt and heard her ribs crack. She was about to fade out again, her breath becoming impossible to catch when she heard the familiar snap of gloved fingers. Light exploded all around her.

She tried to fight off the sobs, they only made her body hurt more. But she couldn’t stop. She heard gunshots, but her hearing seemed to be muffled. She was so cold. She could feel the blood still steadily seeping from her legs.

“Hawkeye! Wake up! Come on, Hawkeye,” she heard a man’s voice.

She forced her lids open and struggled through the fog to meet Havoc’s blue eyes.

“Oh thank God,” Havoc sighed. He was taking off his jacket. He unbuttoned his collared shirt, took off his undershirt, and put his collared one back on. He was getting ready to slip the shirt over her head when he saw her shoulder.

“Is it dislocated or broken? Do you know?” Havoc asked her, tenderly brushing her hair out of her face. “Come on, Riza. Say something.”

“Dislocated,” she finally rasped out. Talking made her ribs jostle which made her world dissolve into white hot pain.

“I’m gonna pop it back in, okay? It’s going to suck.”

Nothing could be worse than what she had just been through. She nodded the best she could.

 _“Captain!”_ She heard Roy’s panicked voice. “Havoc, what are you doing to her?”

“Her shoulder’s dislocated. I’m going to pop it back in but I need you to hold her down while I do it.”

She felt Roy’s shaking hands on her. Her breathing hitched but she reminded herself that it was Roy. He was helping her, not pinning her down to hurt her.

“Okay, Riza,” Havoc said. She’d known him long enough now to hear that the control in his voice was fake. “One…two… _three_!”

She blacked out. She slowly came to again to Havoc gently pulling her arms through the sleeves of the soft white shirt while Roy was near hyperventilating.

She reached out and touched his arm. He looked into her eyes. “There’s an ambulance coming. You’re going to be fine,” he informed her, tugging on his black hair.

He squeezed her hand gently while Havoc continued to methodically smooth her short hair back. It was a simple, soothing gesture and it grounded her.

She woke up some unknown amount of time later in a hospital room. She rubbed her eyes and looked around. Havoc and Rebecca were asleep together on a couch against the wall, curled up against each other. Jean had his fingers had tangled in Rebecca’s dark curls and it made her smile.

She heard footsteps and looked up. Roy was taking a drink from a cup of coffee. “Oh, good. You’re awake. How do you feel?”

Exhausted, sore down to her bones, more fragile than she’d felt in a long time. “Okay,” she answered. “What happened? How did you find me?”

“We knew something was wrong when you didn’t show up to work. We had Furey scanning for temporary lines and one in an old warehouse district lit up. We figured it was worth a shot.”

He sat in the chair beside her bed, looking down at his clasped hands. She wanted to reach out and touch him but the room was far too public a place. “What did they want?”

She didn’t answer.

“They wanted me.” It wasn’t a question. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“You have seven rib fractures and a crack in your skull. Not to mention all the stitches and your shoulder. You were in shock by the time we found you. You almost died. Your body…it went through hell, _you_ went through hell and it’s because they wanted me.”

“Stop it.” Her lip felt swollen and it stung to speak.

He finally looked at her face and his dark eyes were stormy.

“You did not kidnap me. You did not torture me. That’s all there is to it, Roy.”

She watched him look back to the couch to make sure Rebecca and Havoc were still asleep.

“I’m sorry they hurt you.”

“I’ll heal. I’d do it again to protect you.”

He winced. “I won’t let this happen to you again. Do you understand me?”

She nodded, feeling sleepy. “Understood.”

When she woke up again, the room was mostly dark. Rebecca was curled up carefully in the bed with her. Roy was asleep on the couch.

Riza shifted to try to get more comfortable and it woke Rebecca. “Hey,” she whispered. She leaned forward and kissed Riza’s forehead. “You scared ten years off my life, Riza.”

“I’m sorry,” she sighed, grateful for Becca’s closeness. “It won’t happen again. The General promised.”

“Riza…I think he’s in love with you.”

She lifted her head and studied his sleeping form in the dim light. In sleep, he looked so much like the boy she fell for years ago.

“I think that’s true,” she said.

There was a pause. “I think you love him back.”

Riza found that she felt safe saying it out loud to her best friend. “That’s true too.”

Becca stared hard at her and then smiled. “You’re a foolish woman, you know?”

She took her hand and let her eyes drift shut again. “Yeah, I know.”


	7. G is for goat

“Look at that thing,” Roy said, staring at the unmoving rectangle pupils in the goat’s eyes. “It’s pure evil.”

“Roy,” Riza sighed, hoisting the bag of fruits and vegetables she’d just purchased higher on her arm. “Let’s go back home.”

“I’ve never seen one this close,” he took a step closer to the fence.

“What is it with you and the damn goat? You didn’t act this way when you first saw a cow. Or a horse.”

“But Riza…look at this thing!” He looked at his impatient friend.

“I’ve seen a goat before. I’ve lived in the country my whole life.”

He turned back to the creature, unable to tear his eyes away.

“I have to cook dinner,” Riza said. “I’m going to leave you here.”

“No, you won’t,” he smiled. He’d only been living with the Hawkeyes for a year but he felt like he knew Riza well enough by now to know that she was a loyal friend.

He took a few more steps, he was right up against the fence now. The goat had turned its head up to him.

“Roy, get away from it before it bites you.”

As if her voicing it gave the goat the idea, it quickly jerked its head forward, its yellow teeth chomping down on Roy’s hand. He gave a yelp of pain and pulled his arm back.

“Roy! Let me see,” Riza said, dropping the bag. A couple of apples spilled onto the dirt road. She took his hand in both of her small, rough ones. She’d been taking care of the house by herself and cooking since she was little and her hands reflected that.

“Oh, it’s bleeding,” she said. He looked down and saw the blood welling up in the indentions left by the goat demon’s teeth. “We have to clean it before it gets infected.” She threw the bag back over her shoulder and dragged him by his good hand back to the house. She led him to the bathroom and sat him on the closed seat of the toilet.

She grabbed a first aid kit and sat on the lip of the tub in front of him. “It’s not bleeding that bad,” he said, trying to break the tension in the room.

“Yeah but infection is what you need to worry about,” she said. She seemed…angry. “Only you,” she muttered, carefully cleaning the bite marks with gauze and disinfectant.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That only you would be stupid enough to get bitten by a farm animal,” she said hotly, her face bright red.

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

She took a deep breath and exhaled through her nose. “I know,” she said in a softer voice. “You just worry me. You don’t always think things through.” She sounded much older than her thirteen years.

“You worry too much. About everything.”

She looked startled. “I do not.”

“You do so. Look at how you are with your dad.” He couldn’t help but the feel at least a twinge of bitterness towards the man. Who would let a child cook them dinner every night? Why was his thirteen year old friend taking care of her father and running the house?

“He’s my dad, Roy. I don’t mind taking care of the house. Or him.”

“You don’t know anything else.”

“So?” she challenged, wrapping bandages on his hand. “Look, I have to make dinner. Can you find something to do without causing yourself bodily harm?”

He nodded, knowing he should read over the corrections Master Hawkeye had made on his last research paper. They left the bathroom and went their separate ways, he to his bedroom and Riza to the kitchen.

That night, she was washing dishes and he came in to help. “I don’t want you to get the bandage wet,” she said, trying to wave him off.

“So I’ll dry. I’ll be careful,” he picked up a dishrag.

“Right. You, careful,” she scoffed.

She put her hands into the soapy water and went back to humming while she washed.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said when they were almost done.

“What are you talking about?”

“What I said about your dad. I had no right. People have plenty to say about my aunt even though they don’t know her or how she runs her business and it upsets me. I don’t get to make assumptions about your life.”

“I thought about what you said. Maybe I do worry too much.” She pulled the stopper on the sink. “What does your aunt do?”

He felt himself blush. “I don’t want your dad to overhear.” Was it appropriate for him to even explain it to a thirteen year old? She didn’t seem much like a child.

She looked at him, considering. She seemed to make her mind up about something. “Let’s go to the barn.”

“Barn?” he asked, following her out the door.

“My mother had horses. There’s nothing there now. It’s too dark to walk in the woods.”

The weather outside was nice, if not a little humid. The ladder Riza started climbing looked slightly unstable to Roy but he decided to trust her. He climbed up onto the hayloft and looked. There were a couple of thick quilts laid out to make a palette. There were books, notebooks, and pens scattered around.

Riza stacked them up, creating enough space for them to lie down. They both lay on their backs and stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes.

“Tell me about your aunt. She owns a bar, right?” She finally broke through the silence.

“Yeah. But it’s kind of…an escort service and a…”

“A brothel?” Riza guessed.

“Why do you know what a brothel is?”

He felt her shrug. “I read.”

“But it’s not…it’s not some seedy place. She does a lot of information trading. My sisters are all super smart.”

“Sisters,” Riza murmured. “I always wondered who you were talking about. You told me you were an orphan and they died when you were little.”

It was actually the first thing they bonded over. His parents died when he was three and she was the same age when she lost her mother. “Tell me something no one knows about you,” he said.

She paused for so long he wondered if she’d fallen asleep. But she took a breath and spoke. “I feel like I’ve never been a child. I mean…even at school there’s this disconnect between me and the people I know. I can’t relate to them.”

“I can see that,” he said. “I never really think of you as younger than me.”

“Tell me something no one knows about you.”

“I have panic attacks.”

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her turn to look at him but he kept his gaze cast to the wooden ceiling of the barn. “Really?”

“Yeah. Since I was little. I mean, my aunt knows because the first couple times it happened she was scared I had asthma or something. They’re not as bad anymore.”

“What causes them?”

“Sometimes nothing. The last one I had was the day I came to live here. It was a big change. I felt alone.”

“Not now though?”

“No. Thanks to you.”

They ended up talking in the hayloft for a couple hours. She laughed loudly at something he’d said and it shocked him. He hadn’t heard her do much more than chuckle before.

Riza’s words started become slurred and sleepy. She was curled up on her side, the edge of the quilt wrapped around her.

He took the opportunity to study her. Her hair was blonde and very short but her eyelashes were dark and thick. With her face relaxed and open, he suddenly realized that she was pretty. It made his heart flip around a little.

She let out a soft snore and he smiled. He reached over and shook her shoulder.

“Huh?” She looked at him, bleary eyed.

“Let’s go to bed.”

She blinked a couple times and then yawned. “Okay. I want to check your hand first though.”

He went down the ladder first because he didn’t want her to be so sleepy she fell off. She shuffled into the house behind him, closing and locking the door.

She sat on the edge of the bathtub again and rubbed her eyes while Roy unwrapped the bandage. She took his hand, turning it gently in hers. “It looks okay,” she said. She cleaned it and re-wrapped it for good measure. “I hope you learned your lesson about antagonizing goats.”

“I did not _antagonize_ that creature,” he said, offended. “Goats are fueled by hellfire and the hope of the innocent.”

She smiled sleepily. “Go to bed, Roy.” She closed the lid on the first aid kit.

“Goodnight.”

“Sweet dreams.”

He nestled under his covers and was lulled to sleep by the tiny snores coming from the shared wall.


	8. H is for hangover

“Hughes, what happened?” Roy asked, following him into their tent. He had to admit he threw his rank and title around to share a tent with him but it was well worth it. Sometimes he felt like Hughes was the one thing that kept his and Riza’s heads above water. Without him they would have gone under long ago. “Should I go talk to her?”

“No,” Maes said, sitting on his cot and looking down at both the pistol shaking in his hand and at the rifle stretched on the bed beside him. “Just let her sleep this off. She’ll feel better in the morning.”

Roy pulled at his hair a little, trying to protest. He was standing awkwardly between their beds, worry firing off in his mind. “What _happened_?”

“Roy,” Maes sighed. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and then kept his fingers there, pinching the bridge. “She just got a little too drunk.”

They’d all been getting a little too drunk. The war was over but most of the soldiers were still in the camps waiting for word as to when they would get to go home. There was plenty of harsh Ishvalan wine to go around and at night every one sat around drinking and trying to forget they were sitting in the desert they’d destroyed.

Riza didn’t speak much. She stuck with Roy and Maes and kept quiet. Roy could feel the anger seething off of her. Tonight, they were talking about their days at the academy when she stood abruptly and walked to her tent. She was the only woman in this particular battalion so she was alone in her tent. Roy noticed that Hughes had been watching her out of the corner of his eye and seemed bothered. He followed her in after a few minutes while Roy, confused, gathered their bottles to throw in the garbage.

“Why do you have her guns?” He asked, giving in to the fact he had no argument. He sat on his cot and started unlacing his boots.

Maes grimaced but dropped it so quickly Roy almost didn’t catch it. Almost.

“Tell me.”

“I'm not sure if she’d want you to know.”

“What would be so bad she wouldn’t tell me?”

“You would know, Roy,” Maes said quietly. “You did the same thing.”

The room was silent until the huge breath Roy took upon understanding. “She was…she… _that’s_ why you have her guns? I have to-“

As he was standing to make his way to Riza’s tent, Hughes stopped him by gripping the sleeve of his jacket. “Roy, listen to me.”  Roy tried to tug his arm back but Maes tightened his hold on him and yanked him back. “Listen!”  Roy took a breath and deflated. He sat on the bed beside him.

“I have to go help her.”

“She’s fine now. She doesn’t want to see you. Riza specifically asked me to tell you not to come.”

It felt like a blow to the chest. “Why?”

“She doesn’t want you to see her like this. She got too drunk and I saw that look in her eye…But she’ll be fine now.”

“If I can’t see her, can you at least tell me what happened?”

He sighed and finally put the guns away. He sat down close to Roy, starting at the backs of his hands. “It was pretty much the same thing that happened with you. But worse.”

Worse? Hughes had to literally wrench a gun out of Roy’s grasp and drag him to floor as Roy sobbed and tried to fight him off. Maes held him in his arms on the floor between the cots for a couple hours, saying nothing. They didn’t talk about it the next day but he could tell Hughes kept a closer eye on him from that point on. Worse than that?

That scared Roy shitless.

He felt like a broken record. “What happened?”

“She just seemed…especially angry and self-hating tonight. She drank like her goal was to get drunk. I don’t know…she just seemed kinda off. And then…well…she kept staring at you with this awful look on her face.”

“She was mad at me?”

“No, not like that…I can’t explain it. She looked at you like you were leaving or something. So after a few minutes I just got this feeling. I went to check on her and she didn’t answer. So I opened it to see if she was asleep and she was sitting all calm on the bed with her pistol in her mouth.”

Roy’s heart clenched. _No no no_.

“And Riza…I couldn’t just snatch it from her and yell like I did with you. She wouldn’t have responded to that. I walked over and asked if she could please hand me gun. She told me I should probably leave. I asked for it again and she gave it to me and told me not to let you see. I asked her for her rifle and she gave it to me.”

“What did you do?”

“I tucked her in and told her we’d see her in the morning.”

“That’s it?” Roy asked. “That doesn’t sound nearly as bad.”

“It was worse. You were upset when it was happening. You were crying and talking nonsense. You were freaking out. You can snap someone out of that. The gun wasn’t as much an issue with you because the meltdown was the bigger problem. And I knew I could handle that.”

Roy felt like a cold, heavy stone had been placed in his belly. “She wasn’t upset?”

“Not a bit,” Hughes said. Roy wasn’t sure if he knew how scared his voice sounded. He hands were also still trembling. “She was almost…serene. She was calm and clear. It was obvious she’d made up her mind about blowing her brains out and she was going to do it. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Roy had goosebumps despite the fact that it was still too early for the air to get cold. “Are you okay?”

“I feel better now. But I don’t want her to be alone tomorrow.”

“We’ll be with her.”

Maes shook his head. “She’s doing some clean up stuff. Packing away some equipment. I think Riza’s taking down fences tomorrow.”

“I’ll go with her.”

“Only NCO’s and cadets are doing clean up.”

“What are we doing?”

“A whole bunch of nothing.”

“That’s hardly fair,” Roy snorted. “I’ll just follow Riza around and help her. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

“That’s a good idea. Don’t tell her how much you know. I think she’s scared of what you’ll say.”

Both men sighed and lay back in their beds. “Do you want to go try to find a couple beers?” Roy asked.

“No,” Hughes answered. “I think I’m just going to sleep. Feel free to go out.”

Roy shook his head. “I didn’t really want beer I just didn’t want you to make fun of my early bedtime. But as it turns out, you’re also a pissbaby.”

Maes gave him a smirk as he was pulling his clothes down to his underwear. Roy started on his own uniform.

They turned the lights off and tried to ignore the nightmares.

There was no specific time to get up anymore. It was a waiting game now. Everyone just wanted to go home. But Roy woke early when he heard people walking around the camp. He got dressed in a pair of military issued pants and his regular white button down. He kept his boots and that damned white cloak so he wouldn’t get burnt to a crisp.

When he opened the flap to his tent, he saw Riza. She looked like hell. Her hair was a mess and her eyes were bleary with bluish circles underneath them. She nodded when he saw her.

“Lowering yourself to help us poor cadets and NCO’s. What would the field officers say?” She asked dryly.

“It’s better than doing nothing all day but get even more stir crazy. What’s your job?”

She picked up a toolbox and pointed to the wire fence wrapped around the camp. “I have a section of that wall every day until I’m done.”

“Well, we better get started.”

“You’re helping?”

“You don’t want me to?”

“I don’t care either way,” she said, shrugging. “I’d like the company I guess.”

“Well let’s get started then.”

They worked for a couple hours when Riza went off a few feet and puked on the ground.

He rushed over to her. “Hawkeye!”

“I’m fine,” she said shortly.

He kicked some sand over the vomit and studied her.

“It’s just a hangover, Major.  I’ve felt hungover all morning and it’s too hot. Everything’s fine I just need a second to breathe.”

He gave her a few moments and then they went back to work. They were quiet.

Ever since the day he’d found her weathered and hopeless in the camp, he spent as much time with her as he could. She fell into place with him and Hughes. But she’d changed since he’d known her in Master Hawkeye’s house. It was like meeting someone new.

So he told her. About how he wanted to make it to the top and try to atone for the evil they’d done here. He was staying a soldier because there was still hope.

“I know Hughes told you what happened.”

“You didn’t want to see me. Why?”

She shook her head. Then she walked off and vomited again.

“I was so ready and I knew if I saw you I would fall apart.” She coughed out when she walked up to him. “And I didn’t think you could have handled it without getting upset. It would have broken me to see you.”

“Why me? You let Hughes talk to you.”

“You know what you are to me, Roy,” she said, the words quiet and heavy

“You know how I feel then,” he said. “Don’t scare me like that again.”

“As long as you don’t,” she said, giving him a knowing glare.

They were almost done with the section of the fence. They decided to do the next day’s section too.

When they finished early, they agreed to go to her tent and talk a while. They unlaced their boots and Riza brushed her teeth with water from her canteen. Afterwards they sat on her bed, hands clasped tightly together.

“You said we’d see each other again,” she said quietly. “But I didn’t expect this.” She looked so tired and it was killing him. This sweet, loving, smart as a whip girl had become this broken person. What about him? He couldn’t help but think of how twisted he was now.

“When did I say that?”

“On the tree,” she all but whispered.

It flooded back to him. The chill in the air, the sadness neither of them could get rid of, the way the kiss had set him on fire. How they talked about finding each other again, how good it would be and all the stories they’d get to tell each other.

“Everything went wrong,” Riza said, voice cracking just slightly. He squeezed her hand. “This isn’t what I wanted.”

They both understood the horror they’d both caused and gone through. But Riza didn’t need to dwell on it with a raging hangover. She needed sleep that was restful. “Don’t think about it. You’ll get nightmares.”

She laughed with no humor. “Oh, I get them no matter what.”

He didn’t know what to say so he traced her bottom lip. Her eyes shut.

They’d slept together the night of her father’s funeral. He didn’t see her for a long time after, not until a reunion on the battlefield. They had a few times in Ishval, two hopeless people desperate to keep hold of their humanity. He couldn’t help but feel like her life would never fall back into something they could call normal. He was scared.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, yawning.

“Nothing. You need to eat or you’ll never get over that hangover.”

“I don’t want to leave my tent,” she said. She didn’t say it but the men in the camp shamelessly leered at her. She didn’t like to go anywhere without him or Maes with her. And even then he knew she didn’t feel safe at night.

“I’ll bring you something.”

“That’s against the rules.”

“I don’t think the rules matter much anymore,” he said, standing and disappearing from the tent.

He came back with a bowl of soup and a chunk of bread. They ate quickly and then talked.

They talked about their childhood mostly, shared in a broken house. He asked her about her academy days. There wasn’t a lot to tell. She didn’t even officially graduate before they sent her to Ishval.

“I was the youngest in the academy,” she said. “I got General Grumman to sign some paperwork that lets you go in younger.”

“I thought you had to have a family member sign those.”

“He is. He’s my maternal grandfather.” He’d heard the name Grumman before.

“You’re too young for this. You’re just eighteen, right?”

“I turned nineteen yesterday,” she said.

They were quiet.

She leaned over and kissed him. His mind was racing. He’d asked Maes once if he could touch the woman he loved with bloodstained hands. But Roy wondered if he could himself. Did it make a difference that her hands were as bloody as his? Did-

“Roy,” Riza said softly against his lips, “Come here and help me feel human again.”

And, with an aching heart, he did. She needed this.

He needed her just as much.


	9. I is for ink

The tattoo went no deeper than her skin but Riza felt the weight of it often. Even times in the office when the team was joking and she had to mother hen (or mother hawk, as they liked to tease) them to get their work done; or even now that she spent her days with her child, she’d remember the ink spread through her back and feel heavier.

One morning, she woke lying on her stomach to Roy tracing the array. She turned her head and stared at him.

“Good morning,” he said quietly, not moving his hands or eyes away from the tattoo and the scars.

“How long have you been up? Is the baby awake?” She wanted to stretch but this had never happened before. Roy could barely bring himself to look at her back, much less touch it deliberately.

“Only about ten minutes. She’s asleep.”

It was freezing in the room and it didn’t help that the covers stopped at her hips. The scars on her back were painfully tight but she didn’t want Roy to know that.

“Sometimes I hate him for this,” he said quietly, pressing down on the spot that she knew was the salamander.

She had to admit that sometimes she did too. She wanted nothing to do with alchemy. But her life…her very person, was quite literally marked by it.

“I could have said no,” she pointed out, laying her cheek flat on the pillow.

Roy looked her dead in the eye. “No,” he said. “You couldn’t have. He was your father.”

“He made it sound like it would be some great honor. That’s what got me through the pain of it. But he was wrong. It was nothing but a burden.”

“When…when exactly did he do it? Did I still live there?” He spoke in such a hushed voice that Riza barely heard him. He’d never asked before and she never volunteered the information.

“No,” she said. “You were in the academy. It was three days after you left.”

He sighed. “I knew I was right to worry about you being alone with him in that house.” His voice was dark and she didn’t like it. She could see the storm clouds gathering in those obsidian eyes of his.

“It’s over now,” she soothed.

“No,” he said, voice just a bit unsteady. He pressed harder. It was uncomfortable to the point of pain but she didn’t move. “I’m…I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? Burning it? I’ve told you countless times how grateful I am that you did.”

“But that doesn’t change that I hurt you. I _know_ it was the right thing to do but sometimes I can still hear the way you cried that night. It’s absolute hell.”

She didn’t want to say that sometimes she too remembered how she cried and begged him to stop. Sometimes she woke up with her back ablaze and thick, sweet smoke in her throat. Sometimes she could still smell the sharp medicinal salve he’d smoothed onto her skin after a few days.

“I wish there could have been some other way,” he said sadly. “And don’t say it’s over now because it’s not, Riza. I can tell. When it’s cold out you move your left shoulder like it’s stiff.” He laughed softly and so sadly. “They probably hurt right now.”

When she said nothing, he moved his fingers to massage the hard, numb-not-numb skin on her left shoulder blade. The touch was soothing.

“It’s not just the burns,” he continued. “I’m sorry that it’s on your back at all. He wouldn’t have done it if I’d stayed. If I hadn’t joined the academy…”

“If you hadn’t joined the academy, Ishval still would have been destroyed. We wouldn’t have played a part but you know better than anyone that it still would have happened. But because you joined the academy, you played a part in saving the entire country. And now you have this chance to rebuild Ishval. And you’re doing it. Look at how far Ishval has come.”

“You wanted that to be a part of that,” he said, eyes cast downward. “And I took that from you too.”

“I got to do some,” she supplied weakly. It stung, even six months later but the fact of the matter was that she couldn’t be in the military while Roy was. Her time was now spent being a mother. “And you didn’t _take_ it from me. You have to stop doing that.”

His eyebrows rose. “Stop what?”

“You’re always saying you ‘got me pregnant.’ As if I didn’t play a part in it. We’re equally responsible for our decisions. _And_ the outcomes and consequences.”

As if that were her cue, their little consequence started crying weakly from her crib in the next room over. Roy rolled out of bed before Riza had a chance to move.

“Hey, buddy,” she heard him say to their daughter, his voice muffled through the wall. “You slept almost all night without waking up. That was nice of you.”

She smiled a little and took the opportunity to slip a T shirt on. She sat up and stretched her arms, sighing as her shoulders popped. Roy came back in with the baby on his hip. “Someone’s hungry.”

“Yeah,” Riza joked. “Me.”

He smirked at her and handed the baby over. Penelope looked up at Riza and started babbling happily, pulling at her shirt. “Do you want me to make something while you feed her?”

Perhaps one of her favorite things about living with Roy was that once he reached adulthood, he decided he liked to cook and she almost never had to. She’d had enough of cooking for a few lifetimes. She nodded. He placed a kiss on her cheek and then one on Penelope’s dark hair before leaving the room.

“Hey, Nel,” Riza whispered. “It’s just me and you, kid.”

While she fed her daughter, she wondered how they would tell her who her parents where. When would she be old enough? Would she want nothing to do with blood-stained parents? What would she think of the tattoo spread across the majority of her mother’s back? What would they say to her about the angry burn scars?

Penelope was finished so Riza gathered her up in her arms and went into the kitchen.

Roy was humming and sipping from a mug while he scrambled eggs. Riza put the baby in a bouncy swing that hung from the doorway to get herself a cup of tea.

“What’s wrong?” Roy asked, eyeing her with care.

“Nothing. Why do you ask?”

“Well, it might have something to do with the pained expression on your face. Tell me.”

She wanted to point out that he had no right to give her orders anymore but stopped herself. She decided to stick with the truth. “I’m scared of telling Penelope about Ishval. About my back…about us.”

“Six months is a little young to start processing that information don’t you think?” He said, pulling two plates down from their spot in the cabinets.

“We’ll have to tell her one day, Roy. You know that’s true.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It scares me. I know it’s far off but I’m worried she’ll want nothing to do with us.”

“You’re forgetting something though,” Roy said, sitting a plate in front of her and then taking up his own spot at the table.

She took a bite of toast. “And what’s that?”

“That for her…when it comes to you that the first and most important thing you’ll be is her mother. Not a sniper, not a soldier, not a deranged man’s notepad. You’ll be her mother and that will always be important to her.”

Riza felt a little choked up and didn’t trust herself to speak. She would lose it if she attempted to.

“I’m scared about her knowing too,” he told her, taking her free hand. “Who wants to be the child of The Devil of Ishval? But…I’m confident she’ll be okay.”

“I love her,” was all Riza could manage.

“I love her too. And you and I love each other.”

She nodded, taking a sip of her tea in hopes it would loosen her throat.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, running his thumb over the small hills of her knuckles. “Trust me.”

That she could do. Following and trusting Roy Mustang was what she did best.

After breakfast, she stood at the sink doing dishes when Roy wrapped his arms around her waist. He kissed the base of her neck where she knew the top of the tattoo peeked out of the T shirt she was wearing.

The ink now was a part of her skin. Just as alchemy itself was a part of her, despite that fact that she wished otherwise. Her back would forever be marked but with Roy’s lips on her skin, the weight of it lessened just a little.


	10. J is for jailbirds

It was all Riza could do not to laugh out loud at the sheepish sets of  gold and dark eyes peering up at her through the bars of the cell. She was pissed when she got the call, furious on her drive over, but now that she was actually standing in front of them, she found the entire situation hilarious.

“Well,” she said, choking down a snort. “Fancy meeting you here, gentlemen.”

“Can we leave, Major?” Roy asked, rubbing the skin above his right eyebrow, awkwardly covering his eye.

“You’re free to go,” she sighed, tightening her coat around her body. “On the condition that you tell me why two grown men got thrown into the drunk tank on a Thursday night.”

Roy didn’t move his hand but looked over at Ed with his left eye. Ed’s cheeks went rosy and he cast his gaze down.

She studied both of them. Ed’s hair was down and messy and Roy’s was in a state of disarray that was intense even for him. Ed’s lip was a little swollen and Roy…still had not moved his hand.

“Let me see your eye, sir,” Riza said, putting a hand on her hip. A man came down with a set of keys but she motioned for him to wait. She’d already dragged herself out of bed at nearly three in the morning and had no qualms about standing here all night.

“That won’t be necessary, Major.”

“ _General_ ,” she said sharply. “Move your hand.” He might have outranked her but she had to drive her tired ass through the freezing streets of Central so as far as Riza was concerned, she was the one calling the shots.

Roy sighed and slowly lowered his hand. The forming black eye was already bad. It would be worse tomorrow. Riza pinched the bridge of her nose and took several deep breaths. “Who started it?” She finally asked, feeling her eyes narrow.

“He did!” Both men shouted, jabbing a finger at the other.

She hardened her face even further.

“Me,” Roy amended. At least he had the decency to hang his head.

She gestured for the man to unlock the cell. Ed and Roy followed Riza wordlessly out to her car.

No one spoke while she drove until Edward cleared his throat. “Win and I are staying in that hotel,” he said. “You missed it.”

She shook her head and allowed herself a small chuckle. “No, you’re staying with the General tonight. I spoke to Winry on the phone.”

Ed made a strangled little sound in his throat. “Uh oh.”

Riza smiled at him in the rearview mirror. “She’s not pleased.”

When they got to Roy’s townhouse, Riza decided she wasn’t going to leave two drunk men alone so she planned on staying too. Ed insisted that Riza take the guest bedroom and he could take the couch. Roy poorly hid a laugh in a cough. She’d stayed at Roy’s plenty and had never set foot in the spare bedroom. But she was so tired a stone tablet would have been a comfortable option.

The next morning, she went into Roy’s room to check on him. He was snoring, something he only did when he fell asleep drunk. His black eye was obviously worse. He mumbled in his sleep and shifted. Riza noticed he was twisted up in his covers and twitching, telltale signs of a nightmare.

“Hey,” she said gently, sitting beside his sleeping form and smoothing his hair back until he woke up.

He looked at her, eyes bleary and chest heaving. “Hi,” he said quietly after a moment.

“You okay?”

He nodded. “I’m fine.”

“It was just a dream,” she told him, placing a kiss on his forehead.

He traced the scar tissue on her neck. “No. It wasn’t.”

“I’m going to make breakfast while you shower and get dressed, okay?”

He nodded, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, wincing when he touched his right eye. “Sounds good.”

She checked on Edward on the couch. His hair was loose and everywhere, his mouth was wide open but he was still deeply asleep. Riza decided to let him rest.

She was scrambling eggs when Roy wound his arms around her waist and rested his chin on her shoulder. “I’m starving.”

“A hangover will do that,” she said, trying to wiggle out of his arms. “What’d you do to make Edward punch you?”

“I honestly don’t even remember. I probably deserved it though.”

She sighed. “Most likely.” He tightened his arms against her squirming. “Roy,” she said. “Ed’s right there.” She turned to glare at him.

“Come on,” he grinned easily. He pressed a kiss to her mouth. “He’s asleep.” He kissed her again.

“No he’s not,” Ed said, walking into the kitchen and reaching for a glass on the drying rack by the sink. Roy and Riza jumped about three feet away from each other. Roy sputtered while Ed filled the glass with water from the tap.

“I- we- uh- we-,” Roy was flushed and Riza was sure from her flaming cheeks that she was too.

“Relax, bastard. I already know you’re together.”

“How do you _know_ that?” Roy asked, finally regaining some composure.

“Well, I didn’t know for sure. But I figured.”

“Since when?” Riza asked, quietly.

“Since I was sixteen or seventeen probably. God, stop looking at me like that. I’m not going to tell anyone, if that’s what you’re worried about. Well, Winry already knows. And Al. And May. Probably Ling and Lan Fan too.”

“Fullmetal,” Roy groaned.

Riza decided to focus on breakfast to calm her nerves.

“What?!” Ed exclaimed. “They’ve all seen you interact. It’s obvious you’re in love with each other. Don’t blame me.”

Roy started to talk again so Riza shushed him. “There’s nothing we can do about it now,” she said. “We knew a relationship together would be risky and stupid and we went ahead and did it anyways. So let’s just eat.”

They sat down at Roy’s table and ate quietly for a few minutes. It was a little awkward but not nearly as much as Riza expected.

“Do you think Winry will let me back in the hotel room today?” Ed asked, ripping a piece of bacon into tiny pieces. He looked so genuinely distressed that Riza had to laugh.

“She will,” she said, taking a sip of coffee. “She told me last night that she was, and I quote, ‘too tired and too pregnant to deal with a drunk Elric.’”

He made an audible ‘gulp’ when he swallowed. “Oops.”

“Why did you punch the General, by the way?”

Ed gave a wide, toothy grin. “No clue. But it’s a pretty good shiner, right? It’ll be there for a while.”

“I have a job, Fullmetal,” Roy grumbled. “I don’t have the luxury of playing house all day. People have to see me.”

Ed snorted. “You think watching two toddlers all day while trying to write a textbook is ‘playing’? I’d like to see you do it. You wouldn’t last five minutes.”

Riza tuned it out their bickering while she drank her coffee. She was so grateful and relieved that Ed was whole and happy with a family. She also liked how much Roy and Ed obviously cared about each other, even if casual drinks ended with throwing punches.

“How is Alphonse doing in Xing?” Riza said, interrupting a heated argument about absolutely nothing.

“He’s good,” Ed told him. “He’s an ambassador now but you probably knew that.”

“What about him and the princess? How’s that going?” Roy asked.

Ed frowned at this. “He’s talking about proposing.”

“Why the frown?” Riza asked. “They’ve been dancing around each other since they were teenagers.”

“He’s a little young,” he mumbled.

Roy burst out laughing. “Fullmetal, you are twenty three with two children and one on the way. You’re hardly one to talk.”

Riza decided trying to stop the arguing was pointless so she let it happen until Ed left to go apologize to Winry.

“Good luck,” Riza called after him as he was shutting the front door.

“He might have to grovel,” Roy said, apparently delighted at the idea.

“And you better start,” Riza said, voice hard.

 _“Me?”_ Roy asked. “What did I do?”

“Did I or did I not have to pick you up from a jail last night?”

His face was tinged a little pink. “Right. I am sorry,” he told her.

She smiled and he sighed. “As long as it doesn’t happen again.”

“It won’t.”

She knew that as long as Ed visited, that was a promise Roy couldn’t make. Those two idiots had the potential end up in a jail cell every time they saw each other. Riza was surprised it took this long.

But when Roy placed a kiss on her cheek and refilled her empty coffee mug, she found she didn’t really mind that much. She loved those two idiots and hoped to love them for a long time.


	11. K is for kiss

When he couldn’t sleep, Roy spent a lot of time thinking about Riza’s lips. They were a distraction to him often, usually at an inappropriate time. But that was something he was grateful for now that he could no longer see.

 He remembered how they felt against his when she kissed him for the first time and how the shock had left his body tingling. They were usually pressed into a hard line when she held a gun, twisted into a suppressed smile in the office and he would have to force himself to stop looking at her mouth in public.

The last time he saw her face, she was yelling his rank and her face was pale from blood loss, her lips completely white.

He hated that the last time he saw her, her hurt was written clear across her features. It was a sharper pain than the swords sliced through his palms.

He turned in the hospital cot to face where he knew her bed was. He could hear her quiet, steady breathing and tried to focus on it to stop his racing heart. He could feel his chest tightening. He remembered the signs of an oncoming panic attack. He hadn’t had one since he was a young teenager, but he knew immediately that that was what was happening.

He tried to take a slow breath but the intake of air was strangled and noisy. He heard Riza shift and sit up. “Sir?” She asked, her voice thick with sleep.

“Riza,” he gasped out, holding a hand to his throat. He could feel stubble on his jaw and chin and wondered how he would shave now. Would he need someone to do it for him?

“Roy,” Riza said, sounding less groggy now. He knew how she held on to “sirs” and “Colonels” like a security blanket. They had to be professional and titles and ranks helped keep them in control. But she knew when to drop them. She knew when he needed her. “What’s wrong?”

He heard her getting up and felt the brush of air and fabric as she squeezed herself beside him on the narrow bed.

The sheets felt too hot, too constricting. His body felt tightly coiled and tense. Riza placed her hand in the space between his shoulder blades and he felt the muscles relax at her touch.

“Talk it out,” she said gently, rubbing her hand in circles.

“I…I can’t see.” His voice was weak and the sentence was obvious but he still couldn’t get over the shock of it. The last thing he saw was a terrifying white figure in a terrifying white void. And that figure now had the eyesight he lost.

Riza breathed deeply next to him and he could feel it against his side. He tried to match it. His Aunt Chris used to make him focus on inhaling and exhaling along with her when he was little and it still helped him. “I know,” she said, sadly. “I know.”

“How can I rebuild Ishval? I can’t become Fuhrer. I’m going to get honorably discharged from the military.” He was having the team bring him all the research materials on Ishval they could find, hoping to at least help in some way, even if he couldn’t help through the military.

She didn’t answer for a few minutes, just kept rubbing his back. “We’ll figure it out, Roy. We always figure something out. Ishval will be rebuilt.”

She sounded so strong and so sure that his chest loosened a little. But he would have given anything to see the blonde of her hair, the mahogany of her eyes, even for just a minute. He wanted to see her lips again. He gave a breathless little laugh. “I guess I really am a selfish man.”

“What are you talking about? Look at what you just did for this country, for everyone in it. It’s not selfish to be worried about not achieving your goals. It’s not selfish to feel the weight of your loss.”

“Riza, all I’m worried about is not seeing you again,” he said, blinking hard to try to get rid of the pinching feeling of tears.

She didn’t say anything. He brought his hand up to where he thought her face was. He was only a couple inches off and adjusted quickly. He cupped her cheek and ran a thumb over her lips, conjuring her features in his mind the best he could.

“You know what I look like,” she whispered. He could feel the puffs of air on his thumb. “You’ve been looking at me for years.”

“But I took it for granted, Riza,” he said, trying desperately to get her to understand. “It never crossed my mind that I’d be looking at you for the last time.”

“You won’t forget what I look like.”

“But one day, I might. It’ll get fuzzier and fuzzier.”

“When that day comes, you’ll still have my voice. You’ll still have me.”

He would still be able to hear her hum while she did chores, laugh quietly when she played with her dog, he would still get to hear her sighs while she read a story she especially liked or when he ran his fingers through her hair.

He tried to take another deep breath and found that he could.

Riza took his bandaged hand lightly in hers and laid her head on his shoulder. “Don’t think about the future right now. Just heal for the time being. Be happy that we somehow made it out of this alive.”

“And the boys,” he said quietly. “They’re okay.”

“Right. I saw Alphonse today,” Riza told him. “Ed can’t stop grinning.”

“What’d he…what does he look like?” He felt a pang of sorrow knowing he’d never actually seen Alphonse as anything but a huge suit of armor.

“He insisted on getting a haircut immediately,” Riza laughed a little and Roy’s heart leapt at the sound. “He’s so thin but he’s also happy. He’s practically glowing.”

“Does he look like Fullmetal?”

“You can tell they’re brothers. But Alphonse is…softer than Ed. Edward told me he looks like their mother.”

 “I bet that’s nice,” he said. “Bittersweet.”

“We’ll all be okay, Roy. Don’t lose your confidence on me now.” She placed her hand on his cheek and turned his face towards hers gently. “It’s okay,” she said, making his body completely relax. She always managed to make him feel safe. She spent practically her whole life protecting him after all.

She pressed her lips against his and he immediately brought a sore hand to wrap around the small of her back, pressing her against him.

She was there and she was warm and he could almost see her. He kissed her again and again.

“Thank you,” he finally whispered.

“You always thank me for kissing you,” she said, a smile in her voice. She kissed his cheek and he could smell the clean, sweet scent of her.

“Well, I appreciate it,” he said, feeling the smirk form before he could stop it.

She chucked him lightly on the chin. “Get some sleep, sir,” she said in her military voice.

“Hey, I give the orders around here.”

She surprised him with another kiss. “Just go to sleep, Roy.”

Riza got up and got in her own bed. He laid back and waited for her breaths to become soft and even again.

Roy had been thinking of himself as trapped in darkness. But once Riza kissed him, he realized there was still light to be found. He just needed her help to see it.


	12. L is for lullaby

Riza was in the shower when she heard her phone ringing. She ignored it and kept rinsing shampoo out of her hair. It started up again immediately. She sighed and got out, wrapping a towel around herself.

“Hello?” She held the phone to her face in an odd way, trying not to completely drench it.

“Captain, I need your help.” The panicked note in Roy’s voice made her brain go on red alert. She could hear screaming. She was already calculating how long it would take her to change and get to him.

“What’s wrong, General?! What’s going on?”

“Fullmetal’s children,” he said. It came out like a whine.

She took a deep breath, willing her heart to stop racing. “What?” That idiot. She put a hand on her chest. “Why do you have Edward’s kids?”

“I’m watching them while he and Winry are in Rush Valley. It’s been fine but tonight it just got horrible. The baby’s been screaming for two hours and Ben’s crying on my couch.”

“Sir,” she groaned.

“Riza, please,” he pleaded. She sighed, knowing she was about to cave. She didn’t particularly want to be seen in the General’s neighborhood at eleven o clock at night but she took pity on the fact that she could still hear Sara Elric screeching in the background.

“I’ll be there soon.”

He released a huge sigh of relief. “Thank you!”

She hung up the phone and put on some clothes and boots. She scratched Hayate’s ears on the way out the door. Once outside, she wrapped her coat tighter around her, not appreciating the chill from her damp hair. She hailed a cab to the Roy’s townhouse.

Shortly after she knocked on the door, Roy flung it open. His hair was even more disheveled than usual and there was a damp stain on the shoulder that wasn’t occupied by a wailing six month old.

“Thank you so much,” he sighed, his whole body already looking a little less tense.

She nodded, stepping in and hanging her coat up on the hook.

Sara let out an especially ear-splitting cry and Roy flinched. Riza couldn’t bite back the smile that crept across her face as she held her hands out for the baby. Roy all but tossed the girl at her.

“Hey, Sara,” she said softly, running her hand over the baby’s blonde hair. “What’s the matter, honey?”

After a few seconds, Sara quieted and studied Riza with sleepy blue eyes. Her face was red and hot from the effort of screaming.

Riza stroked the baby’s hair again and Sara laid her head on her shoulder, finally giving in to the exhaustion she had to be feeling after sobbing for hours on end.

“All you did was hold her,” Roy said, bewildered. His eyes were wide and glued on the now sleepy baby in Riza’s arms. “I’ve held her for hours.”

“She can smell your fear,” she joked as Sara pressed her face against her neck, gripping her shirt with chubby fists. The fact of the matter was that the girl had liked Riza since the first time she’d ever held her.

“Unbelievable,” he sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair and then made his way to the toddler crying quietly on the couch.

“Do you want to try to go to sleep, Ben?” He practically begged.

Riza watched as Ben’s lower lip quivered and the tears started streaming down his face even faster. “I want Daddy.”

Roy looked back at Riza, desperation written across his features. She walked over and sat beside the little boy. “You know that Daddy will be home in a couple days, right?” She put her baby-free hand on his small back.

“But Daddy sings my song.”

“How about I put Sara to bed and then you can teach me the song? Does that sound okay?”

Ben considered it and then nodded. He sniffled.

“They left a bassinet for her,” Roy told her, sitting on the other side of Ben.

Riza nodded and got up, maneuvering the layout of his home easily. Sara was already half asleep on her shoulder. She laid her in the bassinet on her back and Sara scrunched her face up to cry at the loss of contact.

“Shh, shh,” Riza soothed, stroking her cheek. “It’s okay. I’m right here.” Sara relaxed and started to doze off again.

She studied the baby’s face for a few minutes, marveling both at how much she looked like Winry and the fact that the slouching, surly teenage boy she’d met years ago was now a father of two.

She tore her eyes away and walked quietly back into the living room where Roy was handing Ben a sippy cup of juice.

“Ready to teach me the song?” She asked, brushing his bangs out of his eyes.

He drank some juice and then handed her the plastic cup, trying to explain the best he could. He got frustrated and started stumbling over his words. “The chicken has no bone,” he whimpered.

“What?” Roy exclaimed, clearly lost.

The words were familiar to Riza though. “Ben, let’s put on your pajamas and I’ll sing the song so you can sleep.”

He wiped at his damp cheeks and then held his hand out to her. She handed the cup to Roy and led Ben to the bedroom. She helped him change and he chatted to her while he brushed his teeth. She found herself shocked by how much the child reminded her of Alphonse despite being Ed in miniature. Ben was gentle and soft-spoken, even his sobbing earlier had been quiet.

“The song, Aunt Riza? The song?” She sat on the bed and Ben climbed onto her lap, wrapping his tiny arms around her waist.

She was relieved she could still remember the song her father used to sing to her when she was little, before he lost himself.

_“I gave my love a cherry that had no stone. I gave my love a chicken that had no bone. I told my love a story that had no end. I gave my love a baby with no cryin’…”_

By the time she’d finished the riddle song, Ben’s whole body was relaxed against her and his eyes were only half open. She shifted him under the covers and kissed his forehead. She stood up, checking on Sara in the bassinet before turning to leave. She turned and saw that Roy was standing in the doorway.

“Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” she answered.

They went into the living room and sat on the couch. Roy held his head in his hands. “I don’t know how they do that.”

“Ed and Winry?” She asked, taking a hair tie off of her wrist and pulling her still slightly damp hair up in a ponytail. She’d cut it after the Promised Day but let it grow after that. Roy had missed it.

“It’s only been a couple of days and I’m exhausted. I used to watch Elicia sometimes but two of them is a completely different ballgame.”

“Well, if I’m being honest, I’m surprised you lasted forty eight hours without calling me.”

 “Your faith in me is astounding.”

She smiled. “How long until they come back?”

“Day after tomorrow.” She nodded and laid her head on the arm of the couch, suddenly tired. “I didn’t know you could sing,” Roy said after a moment of silence.

“What?”

“When you sang to Ben. You hum a lot, I guess. You always have. But I’ve never heard you sing before tonight.”

She shrugged. “It’s nothing special.”

Her tone was light but the look he gave her was intense. “Everything about you is special.”

She felt heat on her cheeks. “Thank you.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, Roy going over some papers and her reading from a book he had on his coffee table. Riza started to doze when Sara started crying. She sat up.

“No, stay asleep,” Roy said, standing before she could.

He appeared, holding the baby on his hip a few minutes later. She had her head on his shoulder. “I think she’s hungry,” he said. “She cried through the first attempt.”

He put the baby on Riza’s lap while he went into the kitchen to make a bottle. He came back in, testing the temperature on his wrist. “I got it,” Riza said, reaching for it. He nodded and resumed his spot next to her. Sara’s hands gripped the bottle limply and her blue eyes were hazy.

“She’s so tired,” she smiled, looking over to Roy.

“Well, she screamed enough for three lifetimes. It’s no wonder.”

Riza kept her eyes on the baby but could feel Roy’s eyes on her. Once Sara was out, she adjusted the girl more comfortably in her arms and looked over to him. “What is it?”

“Just…watching you take care of blonde-headed babies. Frankly, it makes me a little sad.”

“Sad?” She asked, confused.

“We don’t need to have the talk,” he sighed, turning back to his papers. “I know it by heart.”

Now she understood what he was saying. Sara shifted in her arms, her little hands grabbing onto her shirt again. “I’m sorry,” she told him honestly.

“I shouldn’t be selfish,” he said, looking down at his scarred hands. “I’m lucky to have you in my life at all.”

She didn’t know what to say. She wondered, not for the first time, what it would be like to be the woman at his side instead of the one following a half-step behind him. She tried to push the feeling of longing away. She had no right to wish for that. They had to keep their focus on Ishval and the rebuilding.

She struggled to find some comforting words but there were none to give. Roy had gone back to signing papers, his brow still slightly furrowed. She looked down at the snoozing baby in her arms and decided to put her back in her bassinet.

She left the room and went straight for the coatrack, figuring that she should go before the melancholy swallowed her up. “You’re leaving?” Roy asked, surprised.

“It’s late. You needed help putting the kids to bed and now they’re both asleep.”

He studied her carefully. “Are you angry with me?”

She shook her head. “No, Roy. Of course I’m not.” She buttoned her coat and walked over to the couch. She cupped his face and pressed a kiss to his lips. She pulled away and quickly kissed his forehead. “I’ll see you soon,” she promised.

He looked sorry to see her go. “Right,” he answered.

She decided to walk a bit before trying to get a cab. She couldn’t get her mind to slow down. It had been difficult for her to watch Roy be so careful and loving with the children she knew he considered his niece and nephew. She didn’t wish for a family of her own often, nowhere near as much as Roy did, but when she did it was intense.

She tiredly entered her apartment and quickly changed into soft pajamas. She reached a hand out to pet Hayate where he was curled beside her.

Riza found herself humming the same lullaby she’d sang to Ben. It helped, somehow.

She closed her eyes and hoped they would both feel better in the morning.

 


	13. M is for monster

Roy concluded that, hands-down, the worst thing he’d ever seen in his life was the gun pointed at the back of his child’s head. His heart leapt into his throat and the attempts to swallow it back down were futile.

He barely even registered the gun pressed at the base of his skull.

“I won’t kill her if you come quietly,” the large man with a wickedly curved smile standing behind his daughter told him. “We won’t hurt her at all.” He had his free hand clenched on Penelope’s shoulder, keeping her in place.

  _I’m her dad_ , he thought. _Killing me in front of her will hurt her in an irreparable way._  

“I’ll come quietly if we can get my daughter back to her mother,” Roy said, trying to keep the fear and anger out of his voice. He looked down at his four year old. She was trembling, her brown eyes filled to the brim with tears. He could see that she was fighting to control them and he registered that Penelope was so like Riza, something that made his chest ache in the moment.

“It’s a little too late for that,” the man behind him scoffed.

Roy glanced around the dark alley they were standing in. The nearest streetlamp was still a good distance away from them so the whole alley was dimly cast with an ugly, bruise-yellow light. He and Penelope were late getting home and he knew Riza was going to worry.

“Give me your ignition gloves,” the larger man said, the gun still pressed against his daughter’s head.

“Quietly,” the man behind him growled.

He quickly fumbled for them, dropping the bag containing the tea set his daughter had just picked out for Riza’s birthday. He heard it shatter and he winced. He handed the gloves over with no argument. How could he argue? Every glance at Penelope brought on a fresh wave of terror in his belly.

He realized that Riza had no idea where the two of them were. Penelope insisted that her present had to be a surprise and that her mother could have no clues whatsoever. And Roy was putty in the child’s hands.

“Please,” he said, voice cracking. “I just want her back with her mom. We can lead her there and then go wherever you want. She’s too little to get home alone.”

The man chuckled. “You are out of your fucking mind if you think I’m getting The Hawk’s Eye involved in this.”

Roy didn’t point out that by aiming a gun at Riza’s child, she was automatically involved.

“My momma’s gonna kick your butt,” Penelope told the man angrily, turning to try to look up at him. Roy’s heart thudded even harder in his chest.

Both men laughed loudly.

“Nel, don’t talk, okay?” He said, trying to keep his voice calm for her sake.

“Listen here, you little fucking brat,” the man said, kneeling beside her. He grabbed her chin to wrench her head over to face him and it was all Roy could do not to lunge at him for daring to touch his baby girl. “Your mother isn’t coming. We’re going to hurt your dad but if you’re a good girl, we won’t hurt you.”

Finally, the four year old cracked. Her lip trembled and the tears started trickling down her cheeks. Roy’s heart broke for her.

“It’s okay, buddy,” he said, his voice shaking just a little. “Just stay calm.”

“I don’t want you to be hurted, Daddy.”

“I know,” he said. “I know, but everything’s going to be okay. You’ll be with Momma soon.” He hoped with his entire being that he was telling her the truth.

The man behind him bunched up the fabric at the back of his shirt and yanked him forcefully over to the side door of a pub that Roy knew was closed down. He was pushed through it and could hear the other man following.

There were four other men waiting around a table, smoking and playing cards. They looked up when they entered.

“Holy shit, John,” a man with thinning hair and a cigar said. “You actually got him. I can’t believe you actually got him.”

John was apparently the one with the gun pointed at him because he tossed Roy’s ignition gloves onto the table.

“Holy shit,” the man said again, tone still disbelieving. He seemed to suddenly notice Penelope, shaking and wrapping her arms around herself. “We don’t hurt kids, Gideon,” he snapped.

“She was with him! What were we supposed to do?!” The huge man exclaimed.

“I want my daddy,” Nel whimpered, looking up at the balding man. “I want my daddy.”

The man, Gideon, rolled his eyes and lowered the gun. He looked over to man with the cigar who sighed and nodded. Gideon gave Penelope a harsh shove forward towards Roy.

Forgetting the gun, he knelt as she stumbled over to him. He caught her in his arms and stood back up, squeezing her close. He balanced her on his hip and she buried her face in his neck. He could feel the hot wetness of tears on his skin.

“Daddy,” she whispered. “I want to go home. I want Momma.”

“We’ll get you back to Momma soon, baby. It’s okay. Just take deep breaths.” Penelope was a nervous child at times, prone to small anxiety attacks like he’d had when he was younger. He wanted to keep her as calm as possible. He didn’t want her hyperventilating in front of these men.

He rubbed her back and looked back to the group of men, watching the scene unfold with either blank expressions or with their lips curled in disgust.

“What do you want?” Roy asked. “What do you want me to do?”

“Die,” the man with the cigar said drily, as if the answer was obvious.

His heart clenched. It wasn’t that he was scared of dying. But he was definitely scared of having Penelope see it happen. His mind suddenly fluttered to the Elrics, to the little boys who watched their mother die. Roy found himself wishing he could take Fullmetal and Alphonse in his arms because why had he never hugged them before? He wanted to shield Penelope from the hurt those boys carried. He didn’t want to leave her and Riza alone.

 _Riza_. The name echoed through his skull. God, how he wanted her there.

“Why?” Roy asked, proud of how calm his voice sounded.

“My wife,” the man answered gruffly. “My wife was Ishvalan. They sent her back to Ishval right before the war and I haven’t seen her since. And with your kill count, it’s highly likely that you killed her.”

He got up from and walked to Roy. Roy turned a little to try to shield Penelope with his shoulder.

He grabbed Roy’s face, his smoke scented fingers clasped on his jaw. The invasion of space was startling. “A monster like you should not be allowed to live,” he ground out through gritted teeth.

Roy’s mouth was dry.

Of course they’d planned on telling Penelope. But they wanted her to be older. They didn’t want the truth about her parents to be revealed in such a hateful tone, spat through rotten teeth.

He kissed Penelope’s warm head and kept rubbing her back in circles, trying to soothe her trembling. “What about my daughter?”

“She’ll be fine. We’ll take her to military headquarters with your body.”

He flinched. But he realized that meant they didn’t know where he lived.

“Daddy,” Penelope whispered into his neck. She looked up and he studied her tear stained face. “Momma told me just in case.”

 He felt his brow furrow. “What, baby?”

She reached into her dress pocket and pulled out an ignition glove. He took it and put her on her feet behind him as quickly as he could.

 “Close your eyes, Nel.”

He yanked the rough material onto his right hand. In a second he was turning to face them, hand raised.  

The men scrambled.

Roy snapped.

The men were either running for cover or fumbling for their guns but Roy was faster. There were a couple of gunshots, but he could tell they were frantic and poorly aimed. He felt a little relief knowing Penelope was behind him, safe from a stray bullet.

He snapped and saw two of the men, the ringleader and the one who held a gun to his daughter, crumple to the ground. The smell of burnt hair and skin made him want to keel over and gag but he remained standing. Men screamed as their skin bubbled. Roy snapped again, making sure they were all incapacitated and hoping that Penelope had her eyes closed.  

Roy took a deep breath and looked around. The building was on fire and it was spreading fast. His concentration was off so his alchemy was sloppier than it should have been. He pulled a silent Penelope into his arms and took off for the front door of the pub.

Penelope was wiggling to get out of his arms which bewildered him but he was distracted by the distant wail of sirens. His daughter sat on the ground. She was still quiet, seemingly shell-shocked. He knew that the quickness and seriousness of the situation was affecting her. Sometimes when a large amount of alchemy was used in such a short burst, the very air around him would feel charged, as if was full of static and Penelope had to be feeling that.

He knelt beside her, putting a hand on her knee. She started crying in earnest. He tried to pull her into his arms but she turned away, pushing against him.

He waited until the fire department and military police show up. Oddly enough, Jean Havoc was in the car with Maria Ross. He got out and started walking to him. Penelope hurled herself at his legs. He scooped her up and she cried on his shoulder, gripping his uniform jacket tight.

“Captain?” Roy asked, voice breaking. Why wouldn’t his daughter let him touch her?

A few of the men were taken in an ambulance but three left in body bags. Roy let Jean keep a hold on Penelope while he gave the report of what happened. When he finished he walked back over to them. “Why are you here?”

“Riza called the office to ask if we’d seen or heard from you and then Furey heard about a fire on the radio. What in the hell is going on, General?”

“Why don’t you take the car and get them home, Captain?” Maria said, handing him the keys.

Havoc went to put Penelope down in the seat and she gripped him hard, making a whining sound. “Don’t let go don’t let go don’t let go,” she begged, sobs still lacing her voice.

Jean looked over at Roy, clearly confused.

“I can drive,” Roy said. “I’m okay.”

They didn’t speak in the car, the only noises were from Penelope crying loudly in Jean’s lap. Havoc rubbed her back and shushed her but it didn’t help any.

Riza was waiting on the porch, staring at her hands and chewing her lip. Roy fumbled out of the car, desperate to feel her in his arms. She met him halfway and they wrapped each other up. There was a little blood on the corner of her lip where she’d bitten through the skin but he kissed her anyways.

“What happened?” Riza asked, her voice thick with unshed tears.

 _“MOMMA!”_ Penelope wailed, reaching for her from Jean’s hip.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Riza said sadly, taking her from Havoc. “It’s okay now. I’m right here.”

“It was scary bad, Momma,” Penelope sobbed out. “They had guns and they was gonna hurt Daddy with them. But I gave him the just in case glove.”

“That’s my girl. You’re so smart and brave,” Riza said, kissing her damp cheek.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jean told them, reaching for Roy to give him the keys. “Becca and I can come by, if that’s okay. Bring Lucy for Penelope.”

Havoc left and Roy and his family went inside. They sat on the couch and Penelope stayed curled up on Riza, gasping what happened in between sobs.

“Just breathe, honey. You’re all right now.”

Roy reached out to put a hand on her back and Penelope squirmed away from his touch.

“Nel, what’s wrong? Why won’t you let Daddy touch you?”

“Daddy’s a monster,” she whispered, looking away from him.

Shock hit his body in waves, each more intense than the last. His heart was pounding heart in his chest and his scarred palms started sweating. _A monster._ He was suddenly terrified of what he must have looked like to his little girl in the abandoned pub.

He thought back to Fullmetal’s words in the tunnels of Central. _“Is that what you want to be, Colonel? Another monster?!”_ He honestly felt like he might throw up.

  “What?” Riza asked, trying to get Penelope to look at her. “Why do you think that?”

“The man said it and then Daddy made fire and it was bad. The men was yelling.”

 _A monster like you should not be allowed to live_ , his brain repeated back to him.

“Daddy’s not a monster, Nel. He made fire to keep you safe. Daddy’s still just Daddy.”

She shook her head and buried her face in Riza’s neck. They were all silent until Penelope let out a tiny snore.

“She’s probably exhausted. Today was really rough on her,” Riza said, standing to put her in her room.

They held each other on the couch for a while but soon they decided to go to sleep.

Roy woke in the middle of the night to a panicked cry in the next room over. He turned to see if it had woken Riza but it hadn’t. He stood and went into Penelope’s room.

She was clutching her stuffed rabbit, taking gasping breaths and choking down tears.

“Did you have a nightmare, buddy?” He asked, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. He loathed the fact that he could see fear in her eyes.

“Yeah,” she said quietly. He didn’t say anything but reached out slowly for her tiny hand. After a few seconds, she tightened her grip around his fingers.

“I love you, Penelope. I’m sorry I scared you today.”

She scooted to sit on his lap and wound her arms around his neck. “I love you.”

“Do you still think I’m a monster?”

She was silent for a few seconds.”

“No,” she answered in a tiny voice. “You’re not a monster. You’re my daddy.”

Roy sighed with relief, tightening his arms around her. “That’s right,” he said.

He heard a shuffling sound at the doorway and looked up to see Riza. She smiled softly at him.

“Come on, Nel,” he said, lifting her. “You’re sleeping in the big bed tonight.”

He expected nightmares and flashbacks of Ishval. But once he was lying in bed with the woman he loved so deeply and the little life they’d created together between them, he felt nothing but peace.

He felt at home.


	14. N is for nightmares

Roy’s first thought when he found out that Riza had taken a leave was that she was using it to go out of town to visit a friend or something. She wouldn’t even take a leave when he’d burnt the tattoo off of her skin years back and he knew she didn’t mind coming in sick. She’d filed the paperwork so he wasn’t all too worried. 

He came in on the fifth morning of her leave and sat at his desk and his phone immediately rang. “Lieutenant Colonel Mustang,” he answered tiredly. He’d fallen behind on paperwork without Riza there and he was starting to feel the weight of the looming stacks.

“Lieutenant Colonel? It’s Warrant Officer Catalina.”

He looked at the phone in his hands. The very few times he’d interacted with Rebecca Catalina had been through Riza. To say their personalities clashed would be an understatement.

“Catalina?”

“Is Riza- Warrant Officer Hawkeye there? I haven’t heard from her in a couple of days and I’m starting to worry.”

“She’s…she’s not out of town?”

“Why would she go out of town? Her entire life is in East City.”

“You said you talked to her a couple of days ago. Why don’t you go over there?”

He heard her huff and could practically see the irritated expression on her face. “Well, when I talked to her it was her specifically asking to be left alone. And I don’t want to go over because I don’t want her to accidentally shoot me. She’s not at work?”

“No, she took a leave.”

He listened to Rebecca breathe for a few seconds and then she whispered, “fuck.”

He immediately got an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. “I’m going to check on her.”

“She’ll shoot you.”

“I think I can manage.”

“Will you….will you call me if you need me to come over there?” He was going to make a smart ass remark but then realized he’d never heard Rebecca speak softly or sound unsure of herself.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I’m heading out.” He hung up the phone and stood to put his coat back on.

“Where ya heading, boss?” Havoc asked, tucking his lighter in his shirt pocket and exhaling a stream of smoke.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” he snapped. “And put that out, idiot.”

Havoc rolled his eyes and Roy watched him take another drag on his cigarette as he left the office.

The uneasiness grew on the way over to Riza’s apartment. He’d only been there twice, once to burn her, once to walk her home from a bar, but he was pretty sure he remembered which number it was.

He knocked on the door and nothing happened. But he noticed light coming from the bottom crack of the door so he knew she was home. He decided to bang on the door until Riza got so annoyed that she answered, opening the door just a little.

“Lieutenant Colonel?” She asked. “Is something wrong?”

“Are you all right?” He asked, fighting the urge to push the door open.

“Yes sir,” she said shortly.

“Can I come in?” He finally asked after a few moments of quiet.

Riza sighed and then opened the door all the way, stepping aside to let him in. He walked in and studied her. She was in pajamas and her short hair was messy, even though she’d clearly been awake for a while, judging from the empty mug in her hand and the book abandoned on the couch, the pages still wobbling in the air.

He looked closer and saw that she was pale and the circles under her eyes were dark and startling. She looked…nothing like herself.

She looked unhinged.

She put the gun she had in her hand back on the table by her door. “Would you like some tea? Or I could…brew coffee?” She walked to a cabinet and pulled out a French Press. Her hands were shaking.

“Warrant Officer…are you…what’s going on?”

“Do you want coffee?” She repeated.

“No.”

She turned and looked up at him, brown eyes heavy and weathered. He felt a pang in his stomach and it took him a few seconds to identify it as fear. He took his shoes off by the door and then followed her to her couch. They sat on opposite ends.

“What’s going on?” He asked again.

“Why?” She asked. “Am I not allowed to take a leave?”

“You’re _allowed_ to do whatever you want. I’m asking for your reasoning though.”

“Are you ordering me to tell you?” She asked quietly, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.

“No,” he said, taking a deep breath. “I’m just…worried. Catalina’s worried too.”

Riza rubbed her eyes. “Dammit Becca,” she sighed.

“Why is Catalina worried?”

“Because,” Riza said. “Because she’s seen me like this before.” She reached for an open letter on the coffee table and handed it to him. He glanced over it, noting the Amestrian emblem on the stationary.

“Thanking me for five years of service,” she laughed. Roy usually loved the sound but this breathless chuckle made his blood run cold.

He could handle Riza sick. He could handle Riza crying. He could even handle Riza angry.

He had no idea how to handle Riza losing control.

“What do you mean she’s seen you ‘like this?’”

“Unable to function, I guess. When I transferred here after Ishval she…she lived with me for a while. Slept in the bed with me, cooked for me, that kind of thing. I can’t…I can’t let her do it again.” She took the letter back from him.

“But she would,” Roy said.

“I know she would,” Riza said, her tone borderline annoyed. “It’s not that. I can’t ask her to uproot her life because I can’t keep it together. I know she would but I’m not going to ask. I just need this leave to fix myself and then I’ll be fine again.”

“You look…”

“Disgusting?” She guessed. She was chewing on her thumbnail, a habit he thought she’d kicked when they were teenagers.

“Exhausted,” he said. “Did you sleep last night?”

She stared down at the letter in her hand. “No, it’s been a few days.”

“ _Days_?”

Her brow furrowed. “Nightmares,” was all she said.

“Riza…”

“Stop,” she said, voice stronger than it had been since he walked in the door. “You said you’d be formal.”

And he had. Shortly after being assigned to him and burning her back, they agreed that they could be no more than commander and subordinate. It was hard for him to pretend like he couldn’t read every emotion that played on her face or that he couldn’t hold her when she hurt, but it was going to get them to their goal. And they both said that that had to take priority.

“Fine,” he put his hands up in surrender. “Fine. But you _do_ need to sleep. Go take a nap.”

“My kitchen’s a mess,” she said. “I was about to clean it.”

“I’ll do that. Just…please go get some rest. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

She sat for a few moments, looking unsure but then put the paper back on the coffee table and disappeared into her bedroom.

He’d taken off his uniform jacket and was elbow deep in dishes when she screamed. He jumped and went back into her bedroom, heart pounding. She’d stopped screaming and was sitting up in bed, pressing her hands over her eyes. Her chest was heaving as she tried to breathe normally.

“Hawkeye?” He asked.

She looked up. “Roy,” she whimpered, returning to her hands.

The use of his first name was all he needed to cross the room and sit beside her on the bed. He wrapped an arm around her. “It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

She looked at him, eyes stormy and so unbelievably exhausted. “But it wasn’t. It all happened. I can’t…I can’t stop seeing it. It’s like every time I close my eyes I’m back in Ishval.”

He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t. There was so much pain in her voice it made his own chest ache.

“I have no right to pretend my suffering even matters… I mean, look at the destruction I’ve caused, the tragedy I’ve left behind.”

“But look at how you want to fix things. How you want justice for Ishval.”

“I knew our orders were wrong but I carried them out anyway. When it came down to it, I still pulled the trigger. And now when I sleep, I see the face of every person on the other end of my rifle.”

“Sometimes, I envy Major Armstrong,” Roy admitted. “For getting shipped out. He was the most courageous out of all of us. We all knew what we were doing was wrong but everyone kept doing it. Except him.”

Riza was staring down at her calloused hands and Roy grabbed one of them in his. “Are the nightmares why Catalina had to sleep in the bed with you?”

Riza said nothing but nodded.

Roy scooted over to the free side of the bed and turned onto his side, getting the pillow comfortably under his neck.

“Sir,” she said.

“We’re going to take a nap,” he said, motioning for her to lie down.

“But…”

“Look, you haven’t slept in days and you need someone in the bed with you. I’m always down for a nap so this is almost a perfect situation.

A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips. “You’re so full of shit,” she muttered, lying back down.

He watched as exhaustion clouded her face and her eyelids were slowly tugged down. He followed her into sleep soon after.

He woke hours later with her tangled in his arms. He knew he should let go and back away but she felt so solid and real in his arms and he loved her so much it made his heart swell.

He stroked her hair until she woke up. She looked up, eyes just a bit hazy. The circles underneath them had lightened and no longer resembled bruises.

“Hi,” she said quietly. He let her go and she sat up, reaching for a glass of water on her bedside table. She drank half of it and then offered the last of it to him.

He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her back so she was snuggled right against him. “Roy…” she said tiredly.

“Just give me a little bit of time,” he said quietly.

“It’s not that. It…it hurts.”

“You’re the one who decided to end things.”

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell, Roy. It still felt wrong.”

“Because it _is_ wrong,” he insisted. “I…I love you. And I know you love me.”

She shook her head and bit her lip, refusing to meet his eye. “Be that as it may, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my superior officer. There are laws, Roy.”

He took her face gently. “But I love you,” he supplied weakly. It wasn’t much because she was definitely right but it felt like a big enough reason.

She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed. “This is inappropriate,” she said.

“I know.”

“This is also really stupid,” she added.

“I know.”

She looked up at him and then her lips were on his. He felt free and open and like something had just clicked into place. Even though it was wrong in many ways, he couldn’t deny the feeling of right-ness that was there too.

“You can’t stay here,” she said once they broke apart for air. “As much as I want you to.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But I want you to call Catalina. Hey,” he said, seeing that she was about to interrupt him. “You can’t handle this alone and you know you can’t. Go call her.”

He saw the uncertainty playing out on her features but she eventually sighed and got off the bed. He heard her explaining the situation to Rebecca.

She soon came back into the bedroom. “You should probably go. She’s getting ready to come over now.”

“You’re right,” he said, standing and straightening his uniform. He went out into the living room for his jacket and watched Riza watch him as he put it on.

She walked over and straightened his medals for him. “I love you too,” she said quietly. “I didn’t say it before, but I do.”

“I know that,” he said, tugging on a lock of hair by her face.

She kissed him once more. “I’ll see you soon,” she said. There was definitely a promise in her tone.

On the drive to his house, he could hardly keep his fingers off his lips. He could still feel her presence there, leaving behind a fire.

It _was_ inappropriate. It _was_ stupid.

It was everything he’d ever wanted.   


	15. O is for obligation

“Hey,” Riza said to Rebecca, sitting across from her at the table of the coffee shop.

“Hi,” Rebecca said shortly.

Riza waited for the follow up chatter and was surprised when none came. She looked up and noticed Rebecca wasn’t quite meeting her eyes. She kept her dark eyes trained on the engagement ring Riza and Havoc had picked out together.

“Are you…all right? Have you ordered yet?”

Rebecca shrugged. “I didn’t know if you wanted coffee or tea.”

“I want tea,” Riza answered, her hand unconsciously going to the small bump of her stomach. God, she missed coffee. “I’ll order a pot. Is mint okay with you?”

Rebecca shrugged, giving nothing away. It made Riza uneasy. Rebecca was not known for being quiet or curt and the fact that she was acting this way made Riza feel like something was wrong.

Riza ordered the tea and sat back at the table, pouring some for Rebecca and for herself. She passed the honey to Rebecca who suddenly reached out and grabbed her hand, the small jar making a loud ‘clunk’ on the table.

“What is it, Becca?”

“You’ve been my best friend since we were…what? Sixteen and seventeen?”

Riza paused, feeling her brow furrow, “Yes?”

“I know you’re pregnant, asshole,” she said, hotly. Her eyes started shining, sending screeching alarms through Riza’s mind.

“How did you…I…”

“You’re showing for God’s sakes, Riza,” she said. “How could you not tell me?”

Riza sighed, deflating. “No one knows but the General.”

“Because the baby’s his,” Rebecca said back. There was no question in her voice. “How far along are you?”

“Twenty weeks,” Riza answered, taking a sip of tea to try to calm down. She knew this would come but she didn’t expect Rebecca to guess on her own. Her heart was racing and she could feel the flush on her cheeks.

“Did you…do you not trust me?” Becca all but whispered.

“Of course I trust you. I’m just…we’re…we’re scared. We have no idea what to do.”

“You’re going to have to come up with a plan soon. You can’t hide it anymore.”

“Did you tell Jean?”

She shook her head. “He knows though. He thought it was weird you weren’t drinking coffee or taking your jacket off and we figured it out. I think he knew before I did.”

“I’m sorry,” Riza said. And she was. She’d felt so alone her whole pregnancy and she suddenly realized having Rebecca on her side would have made things just a bit better.

Rebecca sighed. “It’s okay,” she answered, with a small smile. “I was only mad for like five seconds. I’m mostly excited for a niece or nephew.”

Riza tried to smile but couldn’t. “I was serious when I said I had no idea what we were going to do.”

“Do you want my honest opinion?”

“You’re going to say it regardless so you might as well go ahead.”

“I think you and Fancypants need to come clean as soon as possible.” Riza opened her mouth but Rebecca held her hand up. “I know this means someone’s leaving the military. But the alternative is a giant scandal and possibly prison.”

Riza paled. She knew that was a possibility but having someone else voice it out loud scared her. She knew if anyone went to prison, it would be Roy. He was the superior officer, after all.

“Look, Ri,” Becca said, gently. “The two of you need to go to your grandfather and tell him. He loves you. He’ll try to keep everything as quiet and private as possible.”

“I just want there to be another solution.”

“Well…there’s moving away and raising the baby on your own, which I will not agree to. And there’s keeping quiet which will most likely end terribly. It looks like you’ve got one option, kiddo.”

Riza suddenly felt a terrible sense of guilt for the baby inside of her. That little life didn’t ask to be born into secrecy and scandal. Riza felt like a failure.

“Hey,” Rebecca said gently, astute as ever. “Tell me what’s going on in the quiet head of yours.”

“The baby’s not even here yet and I feel like a terrible mother already.”

“Stop it,” Rebecca said, taking Riza’s hand and squeezing it. “You’re going to be a fantastic mother. I know it in my bones. This is just a bump on the road. A pretty major one, I’ll give you that. But you have the rest of your life to be a mother. Don’t let this shitty part set the tone for it.”

Slowly, Riza relaxed. “Thank you,” she said, even managing a small smile.

Rebecca hugged her tightly outside the café. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for making me plan a baby shower and a bridal shower at the same time, but I’ll figure something out.”

Riza laughed. “I’ll help you with both.”

Rebecca scoffed. “Right. Call me soon, okay?”

“Of course I will,” Riza assured her, tying her coat tighter around her waist.

She watched Rebecca walk away and decided to go to Roy. They both had the Friday off and she knew exactly where he’d be.

The walk to the cemetery was quiet but nerve-wracking for her. She knew the jig was up. That had to make concrete and definite plans about the baby and about their careers. She saw Roy sitting beside Hughe’s headstone, picking at a salad on his lap. She waved and he smiled a little.

“Hi,” she said, sitting beside him, smoothing her skirt out.

“How was Rebecca?”

“She knows about the baby.”

Roy sighed and turned his eyes back to the cold stone that sat above his best friend’s body. “He’d be so happy,” he said, voice low and sad.

Riza took his hand, a risky thing to do in public. “I know that,” she said.

“What are we going to do, Riza?” He asked, running his free hand through his hair.

“Rebecca thinks we should tell my grandfather. And I think she’s right.”

“But then…”

“But then I won’t be in the military anymore. I know. I…I hate myself for it.”

Roy’s brow furrowed and he looked up at her. “Why?”

“I have an obligation to the military. I have an obligation to Ishval. I feel like I’m abandoning that.”

“You’re not though,” Roy said. “Don’t pretend like you won’t still be at my back about Ishval. You’re still going to be a part of that.”

“I made a vow to you,” Riza said, her voice tightening. “I said I would watch your back.”

“But…you have an obligation to this baby too.”

Any argument in her was silenced. She hadn’t thought about it that way. She knew life didn’t follow a plan, no matter how diligently you laid it out. After all, a simple desire to follow Roy’s dreams of helping others led her into war and sorrow and heartache.

But as she studied his profile, she realized following him had also brought her love and comfort, maybe more than she even deserved.

“We should come clean,” Riza sighed, taking her hand back.

“I think you’re right,” Roy answered, gathering the remains of his lunch and standing, holding out a hand to help her up. “We should get it over with.”

They walked to Roy’s car and were silent on the drive to headquarters. Riza’s heart was racing and her palms were sweating as they were searched and cleared. She wanted to reach out for Roy once they made it into her grandfather’s office but knew she wasn’t able to.

Grumman’s secretary was explaining that to them that there were no openings for meetings that day when the Fuhrer himself opened the door. “Riza! And Lieutenant General Mustang! What a surprise. Come in, come in,” he smiled.

“Sir, you have a meeting in twenty minutes with the Drachman diplomats,” his secretary called from her desk.

Grumman waived it off. “It’s not like they’re going back to Drachma if we reschedule.”

“We can come back later,” Riza offered.

“Don’t be silly. Come in. The Drachmans couldn’t possibly get any angrier or brutish if we paid them,” he laughed, turning and retreating back into his office.

“So what’s all this?” Grumman asked, sitting in his ornate armchair. Since becoming Fuhrer, his taste in interior design had unfortunately stayed the same.

“I’m not sure where to begin,” Roy said quietly.

Riza had the absurd desire to laugh. Roy looked the same as he did when he would sit across her father after an exam or research paper. Sheepish, waiting to be scolded.

“Just come out and say it. I’m starting to get the feeling this isn’t going to be a fun meeting.”

Roy opened his mouth but Riza cut him off with a simple, “I’m pregnant.”

Grumman’s eyes widened. His breath was coming in audible huffs.

Slowly, he calmed and massaged the bridge of his nose. “Which one of you is resigning?”

“Me,” Riza answered without a second thought.

Grumman sighed. “Oh, Riza. Would a congratulations be inappropriate?”

“It would be if you were about to arrest us over the fraternization laws,” Riza answered, trying to keep her tone light.

“I think you being discharged is punishment enough, honey,” he said in a much more gentle tone.

Riza felt a prickling behind her eyes like she might cry. She had a sudden vivid flash of her grandfather trying to win her over with a handful of sweets when her mother was still alive. The two of them had never been particularly close but there was no doubt in Riza’s mind that he loved her.

“I’ll start processing the paper work,” he said, clearing his throat.

“Sir,” Roy started.

“You will take care of them,” Grumman said, stiffly. “She’ll need help. Riza will be losing her housing because of this.”

“My family will be living with me,” Roy said, simply.

Grumman smiled a bit. “Well played,” he answered.

“You should expect to be discharged by the middle of next week,” Grumman told Riza, handing her a packet of papers. “Are you…are you okay?”

She swallowed past the lump in her throat, “I will be.”

They left and got back into the car.

“So,” Roy said, seemingly shell-shocked. “That happened.”

“Do you think I’ll be a good mother?” She asked, staring at the back of her knuckles.

“There’s not a doubt in my mind,” Roy said, putting a hand on her knee.

“We can handle this, right?”

“Of course we can. Trust me.”

She nodded. Trusting Roy was familiar territory. She could do that with no problem.

She decided she’d figure out the rest on the way.


	16. P is for picnic

“Remind me again why we agreed to this,” Roy said, plopping down beside Riza after strapping Penelope into the seat he’d transmuted in the back to secure her in the better in the car. “This is the worst timing I’ve ever heard.”

“Because we love them,” Riza sighed, turning the key in the ignition. “And because they asked Nina what she wanted to do for her birthday and she said she wanted to see us.”

She saw a bit of guilt of flash over his features.  “She did? That was sweet. She’s turning…seven, right?”

Riza nodded, turning her eyes back to the road, trying to choke down her nerves.

“Daddy?” Penelope asked from her seat. Riza looked at their daughter in the mirror. She was struggling to try to reach Hayate in the seat beside her, her black hair especially untidy despite the three times Riza had combed through it at the house.

“Yes?” Roy called back, putting his hand on Riza’s knee and squeezing. It helped a little.

“Are we gonna see Nina? And Ben?”

“We’re driving to go see everyone right now, honey,” Roy said. “You know,” he said to Riza, in a much softer voice. “I’m sure they would understand if we didn’t go. I mean…not the kids, obviously. But they’d be fine if we postponed.” His voice almost cracked on the last word.

“It’s Nina’s birthday and I’m not going to disappoint her,” Riza said, trying to present her typical calm manner. “And we don’t know that I’ll be around to reschedule.” It was said quietly in hopes that Penelope wouldn’t overhear and she was relieved that there was no tremor in her voice.

Roy took a shaky breath and tightened his hand on her knee. He’d been touching her constantly since the trial started, as if he were afraid she’d vanish if he couldn’t keep physical tabs on her.

She was the first of fourteen war crime trials. It was mostly snipers and what few alchemists there where that both stayed in the military and weren’t murdered by Scar. Riza had volunteered herself so the court, led by Amestrians and Ishvalans, felt no need to keep her locked up during the trial. She’d been able to stay home with Roy and their daughter while it was going on, something she was grateful for and knew she didn’t deserve.

She looked over at Roy and saw the hard way he was keeping his jaw clenched shut. He was furious that he was exempt from the trials. Being the head of the rebuilding team was enough, the Ishvalan officials said. Roy completely disagreed but the decision was made and it was out of his hands.

No one was very hopeful about the trial outcome. Riza opted to have no defense, only quietly confirming or correcting the information they’d collected on her. She’d been honest about her regret and her inadequate reasons. People disapproved but Riza knew she could never let someone deny that she was a war criminal when she knew that’s exactly what she was.

She glanced in the rearview mirror again at her daughter who was happily petting the dog, illuminated by the sunshine pouring in from the window and Riza had to swallow past the lump in her throat. Today might very well be the last day she was able to freely take the little girl and man she loved with her entire being into her arms so she was going to make it a peaceful day. A good, gentle day.

“Momma, will Aunt May be there?”

She’d been calling the Elrics her aunts, uncles, and cousins since she learned to speak but it never failed to give Riza a thrill of joy. She and Roy both had grown up with so little people being steadily in their lives but their child had family to spare.

“She will. Everyone is.”

“Mkay,” she said, turning her full attention back on Hayate.

After a few minutes, Riza pulled into a parking spot near the park they were all meeting at. She put a leash on Hayate and grabbed the large blanket she’d brought while Roy unstrapped Penelope.

Roy took her leash free hand as they walked towards the playground where they could see the little Elrics playing.

“Riza!” Winry called, waving. Penelope darted over excitedly and wrapped herself around Edward’s legs. Ed turned and smiled, putting a hand on top of Penelope’s hair and ruffling it.

 “Hey kiddo.”

“Hello everyone,” Riza called, joining them.

“Momma, can I go on the playground?” Penelope asked, nearly buzzing with uncontainable energy.

“Sure, you can. But stay where we can see you, okay?”

She nodded and ran off to join her cousins.

Roy had joined Ed and Jean by the grill so Riza turned to back to Winry who was sitting on a bench with a pregnant Rebecca, squeezing lemon juice into a pitcher. Alphonse and May were standing at the very edge of the playground, watching everyone.

“So Ed said the funniest thing today,” Winry said, handing Riza a few lemons and a knife.

“What’s that?” She asked, cutting the lemon in half, taking extra care because she didn’t have anything to bear down on properly.

“He told me he wants another baby. Another one!” Winry gave a crazed little laugh and Rebecca joined in.

“You don’t want five?” Riza smirked.

“If Ed was the one giving birth maybe. I think it just hit him that Theo’s five and that’s the longest we’ve gone without having one since we started. And I think Nina turning seven has him feeling old.”

“Oh please,” Rebecca said. “He’s not even thirty.” She redid the ponytail she’d put her unruly curls into.  

“He’s thirty in February,” Winry said, tossing a couple lemon seeds on the ground. “He’s distraught,” she laughed.

Riza thought back to how Roy acted when he turned thirty and couldn’t help but smile. It simultaneously felt like a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday.

They finished the lemonade and had just set it aside when they heard a high pitched cry. Every parent’s head swiveled over but a black haired blur was already bounding over to them. Riza though it was Nel for a second only to realize the girl was too tiny to be hers.

Lily Elric flung herself at Alphonse. Lily was three and took after May in most areas other than the vivid greenish gold of her eyes. It was always sort of comical to see because Alphonse was one of the largest people she’d ever seen (though he was nowhere near Alex Armstrong or Sig Curtis levels). But he fit right in with his small family.

Riza watched as Lily showed her parents her scraped up palms. Alphonse clapped his hands together and then laid them over his daughter’s. She cheered up instantly as her wounds healed and it was all Riza could do not to cry.

She bit her tongue and took a deep breath, willing the burning behind her eyes to stop.

“Hey,” Rebecca said. “Are you worried about the trial?”

“Not…worried. I know I have no right to make selfish wishes. But it’s just….it’s incredibly difficult to say goodbye to people you love when all you want is to be with them.”

Winry made no attempt to stop the fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Rebecca was staring hard at the ground.

 “Ben’s the only kid who knows exactly what’s going on,” Winry said, gesturing to the child sprawled on a blanket on his belly off to the side of the playground, his nose buried in a book.

“Penelope won’t….she’s so young…she won’t even remember me when she’s older,” Riza said, voicing a fear so secret she hadn’t even said it out loud to Roy.

Riza was surprised when Winry put her calloused, work hardened hand into hers.

“If worse comes to worst, we’ll make sure she remembers you.”

The three women sat there, filled with fear, sadness, and tremendous love until Ed called the kids over to eat.

Nina showered Riza with kisses before sitting down next to Lucy Havoc to eat her lunch. Riza didn’t have much of an appetite but ate as much as she could stomach. She let Penelope sit on her lap and leaned her head on Roy’s shoulder.

“You okay?” He asked, so low only she could hear it.

She looked at the people surrounding her, at her family, and decided that this was probably the best way she could have ever spent her last day. She nodded and placed a kiss on Roy’s cheek.

“I’m fine.”

Once dusk settled, all the children’s eyelids grew heavy and they decided to part ways. Penelope was asleep in her arms by the time they reached the car so she decided to let Roy drive so she could hold their daughter on the way back.

“I know you said you’re okay,” Roy said calmly. “But I’m not.” He parked in front of the townhouse. Night had completely settled in and the cicadas were singing. Riza laid her cheek on Penelope’s head and kept it there a few minutes.

“We were just two years younger than her when our mothers died,” she said, trying to stop her body from trembling. “I can’t even imagine my mother’s face without looking at a picture first.”

Roy pressed his thumbs to his closed eyes and sat there breathing for a few minutes. “How can I lose Hughes _and_ you? How can I…What do I?”

“You have to figure it out,” Riza said, sharper than she meant to. She caught his gaze and then looked pointedly at their daughter.

“You might….you’re probably going to be all she has left. I know you feel guilty that you won’t get a trial but that gives me more relief than you’ll ever know. Ishval matters but she does too. And now she won’t be alone.”

Roy took the both of them in his arms and pressed a kiss to her hair. “You are brave and strong.” They sat there for a long time until Penelope started to move around in her sleep.

The next morning she woke up to Roy stroking her hair. Penelope must have had a bad dream during the night, or Roy did, because she was in their bed with them. She looked over at him and she met his sleepy, sad eyes.

Riza got up and dressed, trying to memorize everything about her house and her surroundings, breathing deeply and trying to stay calm. She had a cup of tea and listened intently as Penelope chattered on about a dream she’d had.

Roy hadn’t said anything the whole morning but she was okay with that. They didn’t need words because they were always on the same page. They’d known that for years.

Too soon, they had dropped Penelope off with Rebecca and Havoc. Riza was sitting in the courtroom waiting to face her fate with her heart racing. Her pulse was pounding so hard in her ears she could barely hear as the Ishvalan holy men rose and cleared their throats. To keep herself from hyperventilating, she kept thinking back to the simple picnic she got to share with the people she loved and how that was good enough. That was all she really needed.

“We have no doubt the Hawk’s Eye is guilty. She admits it herself. However, her rebuilding efforts before leaving the military to raise her child cannot and should not be ignored. Riza Hawkeye is guilty. But Ishvala would not want any more bloodshed. No more wasted life. The sentence of death will not be carried out.”

Relief, confusion, insurmountable guilt all flooded through her body in equal parts. She would get to be a mother to her child. She would continue loving Roy. She was…going to live. She was going to get many more days with her family, many more future picnics.

She stood once the gavel sounded and all but fell into Roy’s arms, sobbing. He kissed her hair over and over but she was sure she felt a few of his tears drip onto her. “I’m alive,” she whispered. She found that she was wholeheartedly grateful to be, maybe the first time in her entire life.

“You’re alive,” Roy answered, gripping her close.


	17. Q is for question

Roy was mulling over the conversation he'd had with Grumman at work that day as he waited in the car-line to pick his daughter up from school. Penelope had just started third grade and she loved her teacher, loved to come home talking his and Riza’s ears off about all the things she’d learned, and always started off her mornings by asking why frail, fragile Hayate couldn’t come to school with her.

The car-line crept forward with an astonishing lack of speed or any semblance of organization. But just when he thought his blood pressure couldn’t take it anymore, he rounded the corner and saw his daughter waiving maniacally from the side walk, almost dropping the school bag she had over her shoulder.

He grinned at her and she sprinted to the car. “Hi, Daddy! How come you’re getting me instead of Mom?”

“Well, I had a meeting and I got to leave early so I came and got you so Mom could have a break.”

“Okay!” She smiled. She seemed happy and at ease, the same as any other day. But he caught a glimpse of her in the rear-view mirror and the look on her face made him pause. Her brow was furrowed and her eyes (Riza’s color) were so clouded and serious that the resemblance to her mother was startling.

“What are you thinking about, buddy?” He asked, finally pulling out of the godforsaken elementary school parking lot.

“My teacher said you and Mom’s names today.”

“She did? Did she tell you she wants to talk to us?”

Penelope shook her head, her eyes still cast out the window. She didn’t elaborate anymore so he figured he’d wait for her to tell him on her own time. The anniversary of the Promised Day was coming up. It had been over a decade now. Maybe that was long enough for their names to be in history lessons taught at school.

She didn’t chatter or give him a play by play of every other human being she’d seen at recess that day so Roy found himself growing more concerned. Was she getting bullied? Did she get in a fight with one of her friends? (He didn’t think that was too likely. Her best friend was Lucy Havoc and they’d been inseparable since they were one and two years old.)

He pulled up to the house and stopped the car. The sound of the engine dying down pulled Penelope out of her trance. She scrambled out of the door, struggling with her bag as she walked to the front door. Roy stepped up behind her and opened the door for her. She muttered a ‘thanks’ before taking off for her bedroom. As he closed the door and locked it behind him, he heard Riza call Penelope’s name only to be answered the sound of her bedroom door closing.

“Is she okay?” Riza asked as he walked into the kitchen to kiss her.

“I can’t tell. She seems bothered. But she’ll tell us when she’s ready.”

Riza nodded and turned her focus back onto the tea bag she was lightly swirling around in her cup. “How’d your meeting with the Fuhrer go?” She asked.

“It…wait how did you know about that- oh, that damn Havoc. I never took you as a gossip before but you and Havoc cluck like hens on the phone.” Riza gave a small laugh and it warmed his heart a little bit, as it always had.

“How did it go, Roy? Do I need to call my grandfather and ask?” She teased lightly.

“He…he’s ready to step down, Riza. He wants to promote me to his spot.”

She looked up, eyes wide, her hand freezing over her mug. “He’s…stepping down?” She asked, voice low and level despite her deer in the headlight eyes.

“Yeah. He wants me to be the Fuhrer. It’s…it’s happening, Riza. Everything we’ve worked for.”

Riza smiled softly and laid her head against the scratchy blue wool of his uniform. “It’s really happening, huh?”

“And you know what that means,” he said, unable to keep the smirk off of his face. “You have to marry me now.”

“Oh no,” she said, that same sweet smile gracing her still beautiful face. “I guess I’m stuck with you now. As if the house and child we have together weren’t enough proof for that.”

He laughed and kissed the top of her head. He went to change while she finished preparing her tea and he met her on the couch to give a proper play-by-play of the meeting. He’d opened his mouth to speak when Penelope emerged from her room and walked up to them looking almost…timid.

“What is it, honey?” Riza asked, reaching an arm out. Penelope went into her arms and curled up on her lap. She was eight now. And even though she was small for her age, Roy knew they wouldn’t have the chance to hold her on their laps for much longer.

“Mom? Your name isn’t Mustang like me and Daddy, right?”

“That’s right. My name is Hawkeye. Like the bird,” Riza said, tucking a dark lock of hair behind her ear. It had been getting slightly curly lately, which Riza claimed she’d gotten from her late mother.

“Mom…what's the War on Ishval?”

Riza turned her head sharply to Roy, eyes frozen wide with shock and…honestly, what looked like fear.

Roy suddenly had a vivid flash of when Penelope was a baby and Riza telling him about how she was scared to tell Penelope about Ishval, her back, and about…who her parents were. He’d comforted her then, feeling that the time for that conversation was so far into the future. Penelope couldn’t even talk and was barely eating solids when Riza confided that in him.

But now Roy was suddenly struck with the fact that time was passing and there was nothing he could do to slow it. Seven and a half years had passed since that conversation but it seemed like Penelope had been a baby just a few months before. He always thought there’d be more time to prepare for that conversation.

He studied his child, noting that she was slowly but surely losing the baby fat on her cheeks. He was so sure he’d knew what to say about Ishval with the passing of time but now that the conversation was happening, his mouth was as dry as it had been in that scalding desert.

“Mom? My teacher said she was going to learn it to us tomorrow and she showed us the chapter and I saw your name. And Daddy’s.”

Riza’s breaths were coming a bit heavier and louder than Roy would have liked. “What did it say by our names, sweetheart?” Roy asked quietly, his voice much calmer than he felt.

“War crinimal." He didn't bother correcting the pronunciation. "What…what does that mean? I thought war meant people killing each other.”

Roy winced as the question hit his ears. His chest ached to hear his daughter’s sweet voice saying such ugly things. Eight seemed too young to start learning about Ishval. He knew it would be learning the basics, just grazing the surface of the subject. But even the basics included who The Hawk’s Eye and the Devil of Ishval were…the people who raised her.

“You’re right, Nel. War does mean that,” Riza said, her voice sounding quiet and far away. “It means fighting and death.”

“Daddy?” Penelope asked, her tiny voice shaking. “Does that mean you and Mom…killed people?”

He took a deep breath. “Yes…it does, honey. That’s what it means.”

He watched her face as she took the information in, watched as her features got painted with first confusion, then realization, and then…horror.

“But Daddy…it said you killed the most people of anyone. That only one other person came close to your number.”

He winced. He’d never actually known that statistic for sure, even though he’d be shocked if someone else’s kill count was even close. He knew for certain that the only person who came close was Kimblee, who acted like slaughtering people was the same as hunting big game. “That’s…well, I’m afraid that’s true, Nel.”

“You killed them with guns?” She whispered, squeezing her teary eyes shut.

“No,” he said, barely above a whisper. “I killed them with alchemy.”

Tears dripped down her face slowly and she cast her gaze back up to her mother. Roy’s heart ached for the both of them. Penelope loved her mother more than anyone in the world. Riza had always given her all to her. And Penelope, at only eight, was discovering that her mother wasn’t all good like she’d always thought.

The heartbreak in Riza’s eyes told Roy she felt the same.

“Momma?” She was crying harder and used the name for Riza she’d retired after kindergarten. “Did you kill people with alchemy or with guns?”

“Guns. Do you know what a sniper is?” Riza asked. She looked so defeated. The ugliest part of her past was being gutted and exposed to the brightest part of her future.

“No.”

“That’s what I was before I left the military to have you. Snipers have long guns called rifles and they have a spot really high up, usually in a building, and they shoot people from far away.”

Penelope’s face flashed with what looked like anger. “And Daddy did alchemy to kill them? From far away.”

“Yes,” Riza answered.

Penelope looked back and forth between them. “You killed them and they didn’t even know they was gonna die. You killed them! You aren’t supposed to hurt other people. Killing counts as hurting!”

Killing counted as hurting in more ways than Penelope was even capable of understanding yet. He scratched at the hair at his temples, which had more and more silver shooting through every day. “I know, Nel. We know it wasn’t right.”

“So _why_?!” She asked. “Why hurt and kill so many people?!”

“There isn’t a good answer,” Riza told her. “It’s very complicated.”

“It’s not complicated,” Penelope snapped, mouth struggling to get the big word out. “You can’t hurt people!”

Hearing it from the mouth of his eight year old, Roy realized that even though it was a childishly simple exclamation…it was still true; it was profound in its simplicity.

Penelope put her hands over her eyes. Poor old Hayate, mostly grey at this point, padded up to her and hopped on the couch. Penelope scooted off Riza to be close to him and wrapped her arms around the small dog, crying now into his fur. Riza didn’t chastise him for getting on the furniture.

“I wish you didn’t do that stuff,” Penelope finally said, muffled by Hayate.

Riza put a hand on her back, tracing it in gentle slopes. Roy wondered if she realized she was tracing the outline of the flame alchemy formula that donned her own back. “We wish we didn’t too. We wish it every day.”

They sat there quietly, Roy terrified that at any moment Penelope would go to her room and shut them out. But she stayed on the couch. Finally, Penelope spoke.

“I’m never gonna hurt anyone on purpose. Never never ever.”

Roy reached for her hand. “Good, Penelope.” He remembered thinking the same thing in his youth. He remembered saying it to Master Hawkeye when he asked why he wanted to learn alchemy, insisting alchemy should be used for the people.

But then life happened and his alchemy was used to destroy people instead. Guilt licked at his chest like flames.

“What are you feeling, baby?” Riza asked, placing a kiss on the girl’s temple.

“Sad,” Nel whispered. “I thought you were good all the way.”

“I know. It must be hard to learn this,” Riza soothed.

“Did you ever say you’re sorry?” Penelope asked, keeping one arm on Hayate but laying her head on her mother’s chest.

Roy thought back to Riza’s trial, the years spent building Ishval back up, restoring their holy land, giving them their independence once more. He thought of the hundreds of apologies and admissions of guilt he and Riza had given throughout the years. “Yes, Penelope. And we’re still sorry.”

“We’ll always be sorry,” Riza added.

Penelope nodded, wiping the tears that weren’t coming as fast as they were before. “Are you bad? Are you bad people?” She asked.

“We’ve done bad things. We’ve done terrible things that we regret. I don’t think it’s up to us to say if we’re good or bad people. But we’ve tried to mend our mistakes. We’ve tried our best to live good lives. And we want to be good to you and love you as much as we can,” Riza said.

Penelope considered this.

“There’s good and bad in all of us, buddy. Mom and I acted on the bad during Ishval. But we want to live using the good for the rest of our lives. Does that make sense?”

Penelope nodded and then climbed over her mother to sit on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck. Roy held her tight and hated himself for being the reason she’d so quickly lost a chunk of her innocence and childhood.

“I think you were bad,” Penelope said. She looked at him and wiped tears from his cheeks. He wasn’t quite sure when he started crying. “But I think now you can be good.”

“Yeah?” Roy asked.

“Yeah,” Penelope said simply.

“You know we love you, Penelope. You know that, right?”

She sniffled and laid her head on Roy’s shoulder. “Yeah, I know. I love you too.” She sounded sleepy, worn out from the weight of this new information.

Once she let out a tiny snore, Roy walked to put her in her room for a nap. Hayate followed the best he could and with a little help from Roy, curled up beside her on the bed. He studied her for a moment before going back out to Riza who was sitting on the couch with her arms wrapped tight around her middle, like she was trying to keep herself together.

He sat and put an arm around her.

“Roy, I…I-”

“I know,” he whispered, pulling her close against him. “I know.”   


	18. R is for release

Riza knew what to expect as she walked to the Colonel’s place. It had been a long time since this happened. But she’d agreed to follow him. Through anything. This was just part of it.

She thought back to the moments after the funeral. Hair mussed, voice strong, giving out orders. But she’d seen his eyes. And she had heard the tremble in his voice during his feeble excuse about the rain. She knew. She knew not to bother changing into pajamas when she got home, opting for street clothes because she knew to listen for the phone ringing.

She walked up the steps, grabbed the key from the potted plant, shaking her head like she always used to. He always kept keys in a plant no matter how often she reminded him that was a terrible idea. She turned the key in the lock and placed it back into the sad looking Peace Lilies with an eyeroll. She stomped her boots on the mat before stepping in.

“Colonel?” She called. It’d been a year since they decided to, once again, keep it professional. The business with the Elric boys was already suspicious and it was too likely they’d get caught.

An entire year but it still gave her a lump in her throat to remember not to call him Roy.

“Study,” he called back.

She tried to gauge how badly the word was slurred but couldn’t quite yet.

She walked in the study. Roy was sitting on his uncomfortable leather sofa in pajamas with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. He looked fine, his eyes maybe a bit red, but overall fine. Riza looked at the bottle. Most of it was still there. This surprised her. Usually by the time he called, he was far gone.

She realized this wasn’t babysitting. This was something else…something worse.

She took her shoes off and sat on a chair across him. She tucked her feet under her and stuck her hands deep in the pockets of her long skirt. The Colonel always kept his house too cold at night. Riza figured it was for the nightmares. Heat sometimes triggered flashbacks for the both of them; though she hadn’t stayed the night in a long while.

“Colonel-“ She started, not even sure of what she was going to say.

“Riza, don’t. My best friend just got murdered. I don’t need ‘sorry’s. I need answers.”

The sound of her name vibrated through her body but she calmed herself with a deep breath. “We’re going to find answers.” She hoped to whatever higher power that might exist that she wasn’t lying.

“He was trying to call me,” He said, just barely choking up. She probably would have missed had she not known him since she was small. “He was in that phone booth because he was trying to call me.”

She already knew this so she just watched him carefully, wondering where this was going.

 “And Armstrong….” He trailed off. “Alex.” He laughed. “All these years and I still envy him. He cried openly at the funeral, no bullshit about rain. And…I’ll die envious of what he did in Ishval.”

She winced. Her relationship with Hughes had faded some over the years, but she could never forget how he helped her in Ishval, how he helped Roy.

“I’d be dead if he wasn’t in that Godforsaken desert with us,” he spat out. He looked shocked at his own anger and took a swig from the bottle. She could hear his teeth clinking on the glass.  

“I would too,” she noted quietly.

He nodded, as if the memory was slowly coming back to him. “I always answered the phone when he called, you know. Even in the middle of the night. I even gave him shit because it was usually to brag about Gracia. Or…Elicia,” the little girl’s name came out as a whisper.

Riza’s heart clenched and her mind wandered to the Elrics and the injustice of children losing caring parents too soon.

“Maybe…I know you don’t believe in God, Roy. But maybe there’s an afterlife. And maybe’s Maes is in it,” she offered weakly.

“If there is an afterlife, would he be accepted with all the lives he took? Would I? Would…would you?” His voice was a whisper but the words cut like glass in her ears. She didn’t think so. She figured she and Roy would spend an eternity trapped in the fires they caused.

She was still trying to think of an answer when Roy cleared his throat.

“You know what he told me when I asked about Gracia in Ishval?” He asked, almost at a normal volume.

“I don’t, sir.”

A sharp look cut through the hazy sadness in his eyes. He didn’t want titles and formalities, she reminded herself. He wanted another person.

“What did he say, Roy?” She corrected.

“I asked if he could touch Gracia with bloodstained hands and he told me that he would swallow the things he’d done in the desert and he would be a good man for her.”

Riza fell silent.

“And I…I can’t do that, Riza. I can’t touch you, I can’t be a good man for you. I can be a good commanding officer but I can’t mend your heart, I can’t ease your pain, I can’t-I can’t,” he started stuttering and was getting increasingly more upset.

She got up and sat beside him on the couch. She still didn’t touch him. “Roy, it’s my job to support you. Not the other way around.”

“I’m not talking about the goddamn military, Riza!” He shouted, surprising her. “I’m talking about you and me. What if I lose you to? I can’t make it.”

“Sir, that is nonsense,” she snapped, unable to keep the sternness out of her voice. “You have a job to do. You can do it without me. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but you can do it without Maes.”

Roy’s brow furrowed and Riza jumped when he through the bottle onto the hardwood and the glass shattered. The heavy, sharp stink of booze filled her nose.

“Who’s going to rip the gun out of my mouth next time?” He all but screamed. He was quickly losing the shaky grip he had on his emotions. “Who’s going to keep me here?!”

She couldn’t handle it anymore and she gripped his hand. “I will,” she answered, voice thick with tears she refused to shed. “I will keep you here.”

Roy looked at their hands for a moment and then allowed Riza to wrap her arms around him. He laid his forehead on her shoulder and the sob that burst out surprised her. He sobbed until she was sure there was nothing left. “I’ll keep you here, I promise,” she whispered. She closed her eyes as his sobs turned into screams.

“It’s okay, Roy,” she soothed, rubbing his back and relenting as a few tears of her own fell down her face. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get answers, we’re going to solve this.”

“I-I’m sorry,” he managed to say through gritted teeth. He sobbed loudly again.

“Don’t apologize. Just let it out,” she tightened her grip on him. “Just let it go.”

This release of pain and regret was so overwhelming it was almost tangible. It made her chest ache. Her own tears started falling faster. The grief was flooding off Roy in waves and she felt like she was drowning in them.

“I’m sorry, Riza,” he stuttered out, pulling away from her and looking away. “I just-I can’t-“

“It’s okay, Roy,” she said. She surprised herself with her boldness as she reached over and turned her face to his. He still struggled to meet her eyes. “You are a human being and you’re allowed to mourn loss.”

He took several deep breaths and finally met her eyeline. His eyes were rimmed red. “Help me,” he whimpered, his weak tone crushing her heart. He echoed her own words from years ago to her. “Help me feel human again.”

She knew she may regret it, but in the moment, she wanted nothing more than to oblige.

The initial kiss was too hard but Riza didn’t mind. Even with a decent amount of alcohol in his system, he didn’t have an issue guiding Riza to the bed they had shared many times before. His kisses softened on her mouth and her shirt landed on the floor with a sigh.

“You’re human,” she whispered between kisses. “You’re here and I will protect you.”

He looked at her, eyes still full of sorrow but also with an emotion she didn’t have time to identify. “No talk of duty right now. Tonight, we’re equal.”

It wasn’t until shortly after Roy had fallen asleep beside her that she could name the feeling burning in his eyes. _Love._

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are really appreciated! If you're willing, I'd like to hear what you like and didn't like. I love you for reading!


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